By: Oberst Von Berauscht -

Today is the 4th of July, and as an American there is no more important day of the year.  While some choose to spend it with family and friends though, my tradition is to stay in the house and watch movies.  And I’m not talking about candy-ass dramas, or comedies, I mean AMERICAN movies.  Movies that get your fist pumping until it turns red, white and blue.  Red like those commie bastards will look when that fist is pumped straight into their face.  These films are 200 times more likely to give you a manly erection than a handjob from your girlfriend.  A boner that would take no less than two flagpoles and a set of golden bowling balls to reproduce.

Double Flag Boehner

(5.) Red Dawn

John Milius’ 1984 epic tells the tale of a group of high-school students who take to the mountains after the US is invaded by a Soviet-Cuban coalition.  In typical ultra-patriotic fashion, they scrounge up whatever weapons they can find and become partisans, taking the war behind the lines.  Improbable, propagandistic, and fiercely patriotic.  Certainly, in retrospect this movie might seem an unrealistic piece of fantasy… but hey, explosions!

(4.) The Green Berets

In the late 60′s while the anti-war movement was gathering strength, John Wayne sought to make a film to help in the war effort.  This sort of “Why We Fight” approach to filmmaking had served his career immensely in the past, while also supporting his own political position.

I watched this movie for the first time when I was very young, probably 7 or 8 years old.  Far too young to understand the socio-political significance of the Vietnam War, or much else for that matter… And I recall enjoying it thoroughly.  I decided years later to revisit it, jotting down notes of my reactions to the film, printed below:

-The character “Provo” keeps talking about buildings named after dead men… totally not foreshadowing

-Vietnam looks surprisingly like the hills of Georgia…

-Vietnamese Kid who plays “Hamchuck” is only slightly worse of an actor than Short-Round from Temple of Doom

-George Takei is in this movie?

-The VC Spy is given bucked teeth and shifty eyes… of course

-The burned village scene actually works pretty effectively, and Wayne gets a convincing “why we fight” monologue.  Oh great, lets follow this up by a totally out of place restaurant scene.

-John Wayne is in his element in the firebase battle sequence, actually quite entertaining (albeit ludicrous)

-Awesome, a tossed off joke about a soldier killed in action.  ”Provo Privy”, totally called it.

-John Wayne was 60 years old when this movie was filmed, so it’s totally believable that he’d lead a commando raid deep behind enemy lines.

-Dead Bro Walking… and he doesn’t actually die?  Holy shit, this movie is more progressive than… just about every action movie ever.

-Does the sun set over the ocean in Danang?…

Neat trick, that…

(3.) The Patriot

Mel Gibson’s epic, directed by Roland Emmerich is everything you’d expect from the minds behind Anonymous and Braveheart.  Bloody violence, epic speeches, powerful performances and more thought provoking historical background than you could shake a stick at.  (If that stick failed out of College)  The fact that this film is shown all over the country in American History class speaks volumes.  How the fuck have we been reduced to this… are there really no better movies about the Revolutionary War?   ***Google Break***

Oh god no… no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

no

NO

(2.) Invasion U.S.A.

There isn’t an editing mistake here, I left the poster image this size for a reason.  For this relatively obscure 1985 action movie is without a doubt Chuck Norris’ most Chuck Norrisey movie.  When “terrorists” decide to take over the country, it is up to the one man wrecking crew of Walker: Texas Ranger fame to FUCKING END THEM.  The “terrorists” in question are a pretty nice choice, as they stand in for the Communist invasion that surely would have doubled the costume budget.

If you are someone who didn’t fully understand where Chuck Norris jokes came from, look no further than this terrible-wonderful movie.  Also it is notable as one of the only 80′s action movies where the movie’s coverart is actually less awesome than the movie itself.

(1.) COBRA

You probably noticed that this list is overloaded with 80′s action movies.  Well, if bloody vigilantism, Reagan era crime sprees, ultra macho leading men, and a pair of aviator sunglasses that stare into your very soul isn’t on the same level as religious fanaticism, greasy fried foods, and hypocrisy in terms of defining ‘Merica… I just don’t know what is.

Happy Birthday America, you’re welcome…

Leave a comment and tell us what you think!

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