I…don’t know how to start this. I think you all know without looking how this movie is going to be graded. The only challenge is selecting the specific things to complete the six pack. I should also note that I have already started drinking and I accidentally typed “dix pack”. This movie sucks a dix pack.
By now, we all know the story: Bella Swan, played by Kristen “Tabula Rasa” Stewart (that’s a little joke for you Latin-speaking folks) has her first day at school, and becomes infatuated with a pasty-looking Edward Cullen (Robert “I also do music” Pattinson). Edward has the power to control time because the first few times Bella sees him he walks in slow motion. Supported by a super hip soundtrack, they do high school stuff and it turns out that Edward is a vampire. Luckily for him, being undead is totally Bella’s fetish and she wants him to turn her into a vampire too, after they have sex. Of course, trouble is brewing when three evil vampires come to town to kill people, violating a treaty between the vampires and werewolves. Edward doesn’t want to have sex with Bella because vampire sex is fatal to humans, and Bella monologues a lot.
I would chop off my right leg for a date with Anna Kendrick (providing she’s into amputees). She is one of the cutest young actresses working today, and she cranks up the ditzy, giggly teenage girl to the maximum level here as Bella’s friend Jessica. Whether or not it’s meant to be a parody is unknown, but for some reason she isn’t crushingly annoying in the role. It might help that she is super easy on the eyes. Or perhaps it’s that Kendrick has acknowledged that her character is an idiot, which is awesome—not because I’m into ditzy girls, but because I respect girls that know that a character they play in a shitty teen romance is really stupid.
Also worth a toast is Billy Burke, who, bless his heart, tries his damndest to act well as Bella’s father, and does a decent job. It’s sometimes difficult to tell if Burke is exasperated at his fictional daughter, or simply wondering what the hell he’s gotten himself into.
The storyline of this whole series is almost tragically bad. From the alarming degree of Bella’s infatuation with Edward, to the mushy, idiotic romantic triangle, and the addition of yet another vampires-vs.-werewolves subplot, the lack of originality combined with the abundance of stupidity is astounding. Just so I could have some credibility, I read part of the first book and I could not possibly imagine what people see in it. The fact that “Twi-Mom” is an actual term for a woman in her 40s who loves a book series about an insecure girl falling in love with a 600-year old vampire makes my entire reproductive system shut down.
The utter bastardization of the classic cinematic and literary vampire deserves its own beer, as here the creature is twisted almost beyond recognition. According to the Twilight series, each vampire has his or her own power, carried over from a hidden skill as a human. Edward can read minds, whileAlicecan see the future andCarlisleis…really good at being a doctor. Vampires also have venom, run super fast, and, worst of all, their skin sparkles like diamonds in the sunlight. They don’t burn up and die, they just…look bedazzled.
There is nothing—NOTHING—about Edward to suggest that he is not an undead serial rapist with some serious fucking issues. His heavy breathing, staring eyes, facial expressions; it’s all so damn creepy. His dialogue is, if anything, worse. He talks about how badly he wants to drink her blood, informs her that he could easily kill her if he wanted to, and even calls Bella “my own personal brand of heroin.” Do friendly, nice guys say that sort of thing? No, they do not.
Not convinced? Watch this:
When it comes to filmmaking, many films fall into one of two categories: art, and horrific abortive semblances thereof. Twilight not only inhabits the latter, it stampedes through the gates and demands its place at the forefront of the category. This movie is filled to the absolute bursting point with bizarre lighting and filtering, inexplicable panning, and a multitude of other distracting and unsightly cinematic techniques. It looks like the bastard child of a CW TV movie and a music video, dipped in copious amounts of blue tint.
This beer is a very special one indeed, awarded with a vengeance for one of the absolute worst sequences ever put to film. I’m not exaggerating here. I once said that The Nutcracker in 3D was the worst thing that ever happened to me. This scene is a strong contender to dethrone it. I speak of the infamous baseball sequence, in which the Cullens play some baseball, though since they all have superhuman strength and speed there’s a lot of fast motion, sudden slow-motion, and the insanely unexplainable fact that the vampires can only play during a thunderstorm, because the sound of their playing is so loud it can only be disguised by thunder or something. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Hardwicke also permeates the scene with absurd angles, quick cuts, and the actors strikingly ridiculous poses (such as Alice swinging her leg all the way up to her head as she winds up to pitch). It is, all at once, hysterical, infuriating, and devastating.
Twilight, and the films that follow in the franchise, channel the very essence of what MovieBoozer is. They are the six-beer standard, the poster child for movies for which inebriation is requisite. This movie has almost no redeeming qualities beyond the fact that it is quite absurd when viewed through beer-addled eyes. That said, you still need to have just the right kind of sick sense of humor to be able to laugh at this, as well as adequate fortitude of both your sanity and your liver to survive it.
Take a Drink: every time Edward or Bella look like they just had an orgasm.
Take a Drink: whenever the cinematography is distracting.
Take a Drink: every time you feel personally insulted by how vampires are portrayed.
Do a Shot: if you catch yourself comparing the movie to the book. Shame on you.