By: Julio De Francisco (Six Pack) –
The Autobots are back, working with the CIA to defend the humans from terrorists and Decepticons. While on a mission in Chernobyl they discover that the humans had been keeping a very big secret from them. They soon discover that a spacecraft from their home planet of Cybertron had crash-landed on the moon which motivated President John F. Kennedy to get to the moon before the Russians.
There it was discovered the once leader of the autobots, Sentinal Prime (Voiced by Leanard Nimoy), Optimus Prime’s (Voiced by Peter Cullen) former leader, was in hibernation mode just waiting for someone to rescue him. Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) returns as an unemployed college graduate with a really hot girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) who finds work with a very powerful man Dylan (Patrick Dempsey) whose father was an accountant for NASA. There’s a lot more, like fighting, things blowing up, you know the sort of movie traits that distinguish Michael Bay films from any other movie (see Beer 4).
The line: “Impress me,” delivered by Bruce Brazors (John Malkovich) had me smiling as a job-hunting montage with Sam Witwicky came to an end. I stole glances to the left and right of me, hoping to catch someone in a moment of epiphany (jaws dropping with a little popcorn, soda, or candy falling out). I thought this scene, while short, was funny and had a lesson for the unemployed moviegoers at the theaters with our economy’s current state. Bruce asks exactly what employers want, to be impressed.
“I had sex with Megan Fox. I had her ass in my hands and I ate that shit up!”
“… You’re Hired.”
I should note that I felt a little cheated when John Malkovich’s role was dwindled down to nothing from a serious employer to a Lenny ala Of Mice and Men who after doing a favor for Witwicky was tickled with glee on his back petting Bumblebee in an apartment. On the other hand, Ken Jeong’s cameo, as Jerry Wang, was great.
Sam Witwicky does not seem to have matured from the years he was in high school to the present, which didn’t convince me he was needed for the third film nor that he could land himself another ten like Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). Sam Witwicky is an insecure self-deprecating type of person that I think a fair number of viewers can relate too, but realize if they behaved the same way he does they’d have no friends.
Our love is totally legal on Cybertron, come with me.
Maybe it’s just me, but the action from this movie lasted so long I felt as if the movie became a parody of Michael Bay films. Explosion here, car crash there, bullets flying, helicopters whirring, flying squirrel men gliding, people being incinerated, smoking ashes, smash them together, and continue it for 45 minutes straight – it’s a bit much! Hey, I don’t mind giving moviegoers a bang for their buck, but at 157 minutes, in which the last third was just none stop cacophony of bullets, mechanized robotic changing, and twisted metal, I became desensitized to it all, maybe even a little sick?
I’m having so much funrrhugg-ugr-urug-guhgg-ug-ur-hgu.
The plot is a weak at best. I did my best to describe it in my synopsis, but I don’t think I did it justice because of the difficulty to discern who the fuck is doing what and its ultimate purpose, other than to destroy the Decepticons. If you pre-game with at least 4 beers, the plot won’t matter. Just sit back and watch the carnage.
The special forces from the first attack on humans in the first Transformers movie were brought back, only this time it was a mixed bet because they weren’t really essential to anything, as the war was primarily between the robots. It was always a triumph then a unit of 15 Special Forces was able to take down a Decepticon, but in the grand scheme of things it did little to actually reach its end goal. Their roles were to hold weapons and shoot in every possible direction they could.
Running from explosion, check. Making a difference in the war, not so much!
Mudflap and Skids are no more. Instead there are two equally dumb hobbit-sized robots in their place. Will dwarves revolt?
Do I look like I give a…?
If you saw the first two movies, I say pre-game and watch this one. If you’re into what Michael Bay does, blow shit up, then this movie is right up your alley. If you don’t care about a plot, but like to be teased by a smoking hot body such as Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s, go see it.
Otherwise, don’t waste your time.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: anytime you hear a robotic noise.
Take a drink: anytime you see an American president on screen.
Take a drink: whenever you hear the word prime, optimus, sentinal, or megatron.
Take a shot: anytime the word Moon is said.
Take a shot: whenever time slows down for action scenes.
Last Call: There are a few extra scenes shortly after the movie ends, but then after that nothing else.