By: Oberst Von Berauscht -

I often wish that I had the standards of the sort of people who are satisfied by Michael Bay’s semi-annual clusterfucks.  This is, sadly not an American problem, or a problem with Western Civilization.  This is an issue which permeates all facits of human culture.  (Battleship has somehow managed to make $300 Million dollars internationally)  It is clear that we are all perfectly willing not only to put up with abject failure, but to celebrate as if a triumph. It must be a wonderful life to live so blissfully ignorant.  The following films are not looking “Michael Bay” terrible, but with the right (wrong?) kind of push, they all have the potential to fail miserably.

Allow me to be clear, I don’t want any movie to suck.  And any movie on this list will be welcomed into my collection with open arms should it manage to surprise me.  With that said, here is a list of films I feel are clearly setting us up for disappointment:

(5.) Life of Pi

Dear Ang Lee:  if you are trying to make a hypervisual 3D adventure film, it is probably unwise to just combine the screenplays for Castaway and We bought a Zoo.  

I’ll tell you how you can save this movie: In the first 15 minutes have the tiger eat the main character, then follow this tiger as he navigates the boat to a series of desert islands in search of the cast of Gilligan’s Island (or something similarly edible).  After what might be the most  gruesome 30 minutes in film history, the tiger lands on the Island of Madagascar, where he meets an ironically racist zebra voiced by Chris Rock.  They fall passionately in love, but when the Tiger kills and eats the Prime Minister, the two go on the lam á la Bonnie & Clyde, complete with a dub-step version of “Foggy Mountain Breakdown”.  The movie will end with the characters being violently gunned down by the family of the Indian teenager who the tiger ate at the beginning, with a protracted Bollywood dance number symbolizing man’s triumph over the forces of nature.

My script was rejected for some reason.

(4.) Wreck it Ralph

I’ll admit that the trailer had me intrigued for awhile.  As an avid fan of classic video games, I love the concept.  The problem comes with the character of Ralph himself (Voiced by John C. Reilly), as what I can only assume to be a Donkey Kong stand-in.  The movie is going to have to work hard to convince us that “Ralph” is a character from a popular game, especially with all the Cameos from licensed characters already present.  Thus far the story seems awfully light, and I’m guessing that the filmmakers are gambling that the name recognition of the video game characters will give Wreck It Ralph some legs in the box office.

(3.) The Hobbit

The newest trend of splitting single novels into multiple films isn’t too bad of an idea. After all, some books follow so many side-plots that a 2-hour movie just can’t do it justice.  Director Peter Jackson seems intent on turning this 300 page novel into three epic movies, and yes, he is borrowing from some of JRR Tolkien’s unfinished works and appendices.  Ultimately this film is just too heavily anticipated to be anything short of a letdown.  Andy Serkis will be returning to his critically acclaimed role as Gollum.  Serkis is a well known method actor, so it was awfully cruel of Peter Jackson to ask him to go on another 3-year crystal meth bender.

His “Precious” may not be what we think it is.

(2.) Gangster Squad

This movie was supposed to come out well.. now, but has been relegated to an early January release.  I admit that the trailer got me excited.  I’m not buying the “official” story that the movie was moved due to a scene which features a shoot-out in a movie theatre.  It seems a fairly tenuous comparison to draw with the tragedy in Aurora, Colorado.  In fact, I’d go so far as to argue that, with January being a well known dumping ground for crappy movies, the producers know something that we don’t.  The movie has a lot going for it still, with a star-studded cast and a promisingly action-packed story.  Although filmmaker Ruben Fleischer’s career is one that has thus far resulted in empty promises.  (Zombieland had so much potential, ultimately undone in the name of an uninteresting romantic sub-plot). If the story doesn’t manage to be well told however, not even Ryan Gosling’s beautiful face can save it.

I can’t stay mad at you

(1.) The Great Gatsby

Originally slated for a Christmas release, this highly anticipated film starring Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tobey Maguire, is now set for a summer 2013 debut.  Delays, however, are the least of this film’s worries.  I can point to exactly one reason why this movie is going to be an insufferable piece of shit:

Director Baz Luhrmann

This filmmaker is notorious for his use of hyper fast cutting, eye-raping visuals, and for encouraging his actors to act like they just dropped the brown acid while shooting pure adrenaline into their veins.  So naturally this is the man to film the great American novel… right?

No… the answer is no.

What other anticipated films are you not looking forward to?

Leave a comment below!

Also, allow me to suggest a few of our other fancy articles:

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