By: Wonkothesane (Five Beers) –
On the eve of the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, Millionaire Playboy Hayden Walsh launches Titanic II. And for this new ship’s maiden voyage they decide to complete the journey across the Atlantic. This new ship comes equipped with all the modern bells and whistles and modern safety features.
Plus some “classical” accoutrements
For those wanting all the death and destruction of Titanic without all the tedious teenage romance and gratuitous use of a wailing French Canadian vocalist, I highly recommend the Poseidon Adventure. Of course, you’re probably now about to bitch about that song “The Morning After”, fair enough, then maybe Speed II: Cruise Control is more up your alley. Then again, you might be looking for a movie that is slightly less shitty? Ok, in that case Titanic II might be the disaster film for you.
Ahh, but perhaps you’re wondering if this film features Oscar-worthy performances. I can assure you that it does not. I will say that the film’s primary actors Shane Van Dyke, Marie Westbrook, and others give fairly competent performances, even with moments of genuine emotional depth. Many of the secondary cast however, clearly seem dredged up from the mucky bottom of the Laurentian Abyss.
Titanic II features all the visual thrills and glorious visual effects that only a cutscene from a first-generation Playstation game can deliver.
And not only do their shots of the huge ship look fake, but the helicopter featured is so clearly computer generated that I thought I had died and was reincarnated playing Comanche CD on my windows 95 machine. In fact the special effects employed by The Asylum are rivaled only by the burgeoning film industry of Uganda.
Ok, maybe I exaggerated a little bit…
The filmmakers take no chances in this pseudo-sequel, from offering up a shipwreck sequence taken right out of James Cameron’s film to a bummer of an ending that can be seen a mile away. The Asylum is well recognized for their distinct[ly economical] visual style, and the willingness to make a Sherlock Holmes movie featuring Raptors.
More on that another day…
The concept of Titanic II and the reasons for making a movie such as this are not easy to grasp, that they took it all so seriously even stranger.
I am saddened that they didn’t make sufficient effort to ridiculous up the movie some more. For instance, imagine a scenario where divers discovered that Aliens were the main cause of the first Titanic’s sinking, with the rest of the movie being a ludicrous revenge plot. Or think about a film where the Iceberg was piloted by giant mega-Yeti preying on symbols of hubris. They could crash into the ship and board it, giving an excuse to kill off passengers. My point is that, if you’re going to go stupid, go full stupid (feel free to use my suggestions in future movies by the way, and I’m for-hire punching up scripts if anyone is interested).
A fair bit leaky, but not without its moments
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time someone calls the ship by name
Take a Drink: for any cut away to a lingering effects shot of the ship
Body-count Challenge: Down a shot for every on screen death