By: Czar Jorge (Three Beers) –
If you don’t like, or have never heard of, Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim open all six of your beers and drink them now. You’ll need them before the first frame. If you’re lucky, and a lightweight, you’ll pass out in the first fifteen minutes. Don’t worry, you’ll still get to see Robert Loggia use words that would make his grandmother blush so hard she’d finish decomposing.
If I look bewildered it’s because I’ve just seen this movie.
If you enjoy the man-child antics Tim and Eric, then I suggest a drink before you even start the movie. It could be a beer or a cocktail, but I would suggest a cup of mushroom tea. It couldn’t be any worse than the time I accidentally took too many caps and spent the evening dodging the spikes that randomly shot out of the ceiling. So, fans of sloppy nonsense, lift your cups, raise those pinkies like you’re classy, slurp down your psilocybomile, and then start the movie.
The introduction to the film has nothing to do with the film. This is not unexpected. Take the time to enjoy that first drink. This is the part where you’re going up that first rise in the roller coaster. Wait, is that a Latino Johnny Depp? Okay, finish that drink quickly beca…. Oh… What the fuck have they done to their faces? Are those cartoon teeth? On real people?
Tim and Eric are my two gay dads.
Tim and Eric are in the shit. We have our first plot point, they need to come up with a billion dollars or go to jail. They decide after someHollywoodexcess, that promises lots of things going into holes but never delivers, that their only hope is to reinvigorate a failing mall. That means they have to become business men, and their image just doesn’t work. Enter the first homoerotic scene of the movie, in which Tim and Eric lovingly de-Hollywood each other.
Have I mentioned the massive number of cameos in this film? There’s that guy that played Nick Kroll’s dad, that guy from SNL, that guy that’s rich and owns sports teams, Tim and Eric’s comedy dad, and that guy that was a jerk to the Ghostbusters in their first movie. That is the only Ghostbuster‘s cameo, though it can be a bit confusing as there’s a guy that looks likeVigo in two of the cutaways.
I’m the Scourge of Carpathia.
The film also features, uncredited, Will Ferrell as the gun-toting, sociopathic mall owner, John C. Reilly as a consumptive ‘boy’ who helps Tim and Eric revamp the mall, and Zach Galifianakis as a Native American princess capable of becoming pure energy. You’ll also see all the standard ‘actors’ from ‘Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!’ in the film at some point.
Tim and Eric take over a mall in worse shape than the one in “The Tribe”. It contains squatters, a sword store whose owner won’t sell any swords, an adult novelties store, a cult, and a used toilet paper store. Our boys rapidly make friends with the denizens. Eric finds his love interest in a 64-year-old balloon kiosk employee. Tim steals the son of the used toilet paper store owner forcing him to take over as head janitor in the process. We get to enjoy a number of touching moments between Tim and his ‘son’ over the course of the movie. I was so touched I needed…
I know how upsetting spoilers can be, so I’ll stop there with the plot. I will say that you may need another beer just to get through this…
Not to mention the rest of the film. You’re going to see the most disturbing sex scene I’ve laid eyes on, and I watch German porn, exclusively. Tim, wearing a man-thong, is going to fight with Eric for much longer than is necessary, unless you find the Pillsbury Dough Boy sexually attractive.
I’m just a boy, you pedo.
The Schlaaang Corporation is going to come for blood, and it’s going to end in a bloodbath. The End. Oh, wait, then they’ll have a wrap party on screen. Hooray, we’re invited.
Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie is worth at least $132, 223.17 to me. And I never liked ‘Tom Goes to the Mayor.”
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time someone says ‘Schlaang’.
Take a Drink: every time there is a cameo, audio included.
Take a Drink: every time something is repeated for comedic effect.
Take a Drink: every time there is a cutaway or vignette.
Take a Drink: every time Taquito coughs.
Drink a Shot: every time Robert Loggia curses
Drink a Shot: every time Tim and Eric sing.
Drink a Shot: every time the fourth wall is broken.
If you’d like TV’s Michael Gross to narrate your life story you can find his contact details after the credits have rolled. Trust me, it’s well worth it.