By: Marielle –
Taylor Lautner plays a young man who discovers his parents aren’t who they say they are, and he is wanted by… some dudes of some sort. Because it turns out he’s really… filled with diamonds, perhaps?
Break him open, boys.
It’s called Abduction, but it seems more like his parents were hiding him from those dudes of some sort. Perhaps to protect him from all the crimes they do, or how they harvest young boys with soft, bronze skin and the faces of llamas, I suppose?
It’s their secret cult’s secret animal
I’m not entirely sure why his friend has to be on the run with him. One thing is for certain: he’s a high priced asset for some reason.
Go to the 1:10 mark and listen to the delivery of, “Suddenly everyone around me is dying.” Yeah, that’s why.
Okay, I’ll be honest: I don’t like baseball. And it’s not because I’m a lady; it’s because baseball is really damn boring.
I had to look this one up on IMDB because it seems like everyone is really dramatic and upset over his management of the team, but I don’t know what this movie is actually about. Apparently, Pitt portrays Billy Beane who built the OaklandA’s using a computer and a strict budget. That’s the kind of sexy stuff I needed to hear to get my ass in a seat for this thrilling baseball economics movie.
I think it’s clear I don’t care about baseball, baseball economics, nor the plight of these poor players (you know, like, baseball poor.) But, it looks promising for people who aren’t me. Gooooo team-building-based-on-undervalued-statistics-that-seem-likely-to-result-in-a-stronger-offensive-team, GO!
Killer Elite –
I sense this isn’t based on a true story in the way that Moneyball is based on a true story. It’s more like how the Harry Potter movies are based on a true story because there is a book series called “Harry Potter.”
A retiree of Britain’s Elite Special Air Service must assassinate three assassins when his assassin mentor is held hostage by the leader of the three assassins he must assassinate. The word has lost all meaning, just like Jason Statham movies.
RIP, cool Jason Statham
“This fall, may the best killer win.” An action movie where killers are trying to kill each other?! Pretty out there, Hollywood. The action is probably very actiony and I bet a lady gets naked. Awarding it any more beers almost assumes it was trying and failing at something significant. This never had a high bar set for it–BECAUSE JASON STATHAM IS BEATING SOMEONE WITH THE BAR INSTEAD! If you’re fine with substance-less action, you’ll be satisfied.
Dolphin Tale –
A family struggles against the odds to save a dolphin with a tail that was severed by a crab trap. He acts as a symbol of hope for people with broken legs who can afford robotic limbs and are probably eating crab for dinner later.
I have the feeling that some families might enjoy it. I can see them driving to the theatre in their Chevy Suburban, now. The mom will have to yell at the kids who are playing too loudly with their phones in the backseat, texting their insufferable friends. Does their father have to stop the car and turn around? If she can’t hear Bono singing, they’re being too loud! Damn, they need gas again! Didn’t the father just fill the tank, like, two days ago? The prices have just been soaring after the oil spill and all of the strife in the Middle East. “Were any dolphins hurt in the oil spill?” Little Jim Jim asks. Shut up, Little Jim Jim. Shut up.