The Square (2008)

The Square (2008)
The Square (2008) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Joel Olivo (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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I came across The Square on the NetFlix Instant Watch. I watched it based solely on its name being my favorite shape.  After reading the description it seemed like a very exciting prospect. A high-class real estate developer starts an affair with a woman who is married to a low-level gangster from the other side of the river.  They plan to escape the shackles of their current lives by stealing her husband’s dirty crime money and running away.

 A Toast

For a first feature-length film director Nash Edgerton delivers a beautifully shot film.  The earth tones deliver a sort of aged picture feel. Plenty of great camera angles give it the feel of looking through an old photo album.  In the opening scene we are treated with car sex, always a win in my book!

Beer Two

As I begin my journey through this photo album I grow suspicious of mullets. The moment Greg “Smithy” Smith walks on screen the movie is torn asunder with mullet on mullet action. His character as the “ruffian” is quickly established as he lurks in the laundry room hiding a duffel bag full of bloodied Australian dollars. His surly demeanor is much like his hair, business in the front, party in the back. I don’t know much, but I know to grab a cold one when mullets hit the screen.

” Time to grab a PBR…”

Beer Three

*SPOILERS APLENTY FROM HERE*

There are some things that are fundamentally true in life. One of those things is that sometimes people cheat on their significant others. This fundamental truth is often an unforeseen complication in both party’s lives. The only advice I have is that when your mistress explains that the only way to be free and happy is to burn down the house her and her spouse live in and steal all the drug- mullet- mafia money (said much more elegantly thanks to the great dialogue from writers Joel Edgerton and Mathew Dabner) is that perhaps it’s time to reevaluate one’s own life decision-making skills.

” We have to burn down my house for love. “

Beer Four

I’m not sure how familiar people are with the general principle of arson and/or the types of fellows that often find themselves in that trade, but our granite-faced protagonist Raymond must have used AU Craigslist.  After a quick meet and greet,  Billy the arsonist was happy to not only take a large sum of money out in the open but he was quite comfortable having his accomplice/ girlfriend count it under the table at a Chinese restaurant.  There were no suitcases or brown paper bags involved… amateurs. Like all arson set in a town with a population of less than a 1000 things have a tendency to go horribly wrong. Accidental murders are used as plot triggers and the bodies start piling up!!!  The mullet militia is hot on the trail knowing that the money was not in the house that burned down.

Beer Five

A distraught arsonist deals with the fact that someone was in the house he burned down….. some people are just not professional…

” I’m sad because I set fire to things.”

Beer Six

You might want to add one for each ridiculous death where Raymond did not directly kill but nonetheless is responsible. He must be doing it with his mind…..

Verdict

The plot was only moved by accidental deaths. The dialogue, while often pretty entertaining, was delivered monotonously like from a cast of robots. The one saving grace was the emotional outburst by Smithy as his mother dies in the fire. Very reminiscent of Mikey O’Neill’s mother dying in a caravan fire in Snatch.  A less then surprising climax did deliver a whopping three accidental deaths but left me waiting for a tree to accidentally impale Raymond! This movie had more implausible deaths than The Happening.

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time “good on you” is said.

Take a Drink: every time you see a mullet

Drink a Shot: whenever someone dies accidentally.

About Joel Olivo

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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