The New Guy (2002)

The New Guy (2002)
The New Guy (2002) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jake Peroni (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Despite its title, there really is nothing “new” here. The New Guy is a cookie cutter comedy about the same story you’ve seen recreated every generation.

Awkward teen gets picked on.

Awkward teen transfers to new school with a new identity.

Awkward teen alienates his true friends in his quest for identity.

Awkward teen wins the love of the head cheerleader.

In the end the awkward teen aint so awkward anymore. (Unless you look directly into his face….)

Is that Adrien Brody freebasing meth? Nope it’s DJ Qualls.

DJ Qualls (Road Trip) lands the role as the geek who gets repeatedly bullied by the high school jocks. Due to an ill-timed erection, “Dizzy” finds himself in a situation where a handicapped teacher breaks his “Harry Potter” in front of the entire class (Apparently he’s never heard of the ole’ college tuck rule).

The incident is the last straw, and Dizzy decides his best course of action is to get expelled from school (Apparently he was the 1st geek in history not worried about his permanent record).

It works, but Dizzy finds himself incarcerated with hardened criminals for speaking about his virginity at a spontaneous church gathering at a local mall. Surprisingly, in lieu of angry prison rape, Eddie Griffin decides to take young Dizzy under his wing. Along with the help of the entire population of the prison (which seems like the nicest place on earth) Dizzy learns how to trick people into thinking he is tough, despite his uncanny resemblance to wet spaghetti.

Well, apparently all it takes is a spider tattoo and frosted tips, because by the end of his first day at his new school Dizzy (now under the name Gil Harris), has defeated the school bully and left all the cheerleaders too slippery to hold a pyramid.

(But you didn’t need an explanation for that one, right?)

Not so fast Gil Harris! It’s going to take alot more than that to win the affection of the head cheerleader, (Eliza Dushku). It’s not until Dizzy dresses up in a full blown costume of General George S. Patton to deliver a spastic pep talk to the football team at halftime that inspires them to win their first game, that Dushku rewards him by letting him take her shopping immediately following the game. This is where the movie seems to put the riveting plot on hold and just film Dushku dancing around in about 15 different bikinis.

Don’t get me wrong, it would be great…if there were no such thing as free porn! Get with the times.

While Gil/Dizzy is landing the girl of his dreams he is damaging his relationships with his true friends, that is until Zooey Deschanel (before she was cute) reminds him of who he really is.

He then takes on the task of shattering the social barriers of the high school popularity structure. Without the clicky segregation in place, the entire school runs hand in hand like they all live in Candyland.

That is until his old bully recognizes him. Will he get the girl when the truth is revealed? Will his new friends turn on him?… who cares, I’m rewinding to the Dushku bikini scene again.

“Long cruise, was it sailor?” – “Too long”

A Toast

I had always assumed that Lyle Lovett was packing 11 inches. I mean, how else could you explain him landing Julia Roberts in her prime? But this movie explains it; he’s hysterical. Although he is pretty much limited to 3 scenes and no more than 5 total minutes, he was the only comic relief in this “comedy”.

Lyle Lovett, spitting in the face of evolution.

Beer Two

Even though this movie makes prison look like the coolest place on earth, perhaps locking Dizzy up in that level of prison for merely stealing the microphone in self pity was a bit harsh of a sentence. But, in the end the prisoners teach him “Crazy Eyes,” which makes an odd looking face even odder. The man ends up scaring the pants off people because he can snap his face into that of a mosquito.

Beer Three

As I mentioned, after Dizzy dresses up head to toe as Patton to give a horrible speech, Dushku takes him shopping to celebrate the victory. She then sits him down while she parades around in skimpy outfits for an entire musical montage. Is this bad? No, in fact, it’s my second favorite scene (the best being Lovett taking a flaming marshmallow to the eye). The problem is that it’s a subliminal trick.  When all is said and done, this scene is so out of context that it will be the only thing we remember about the film in the long run. Having this be the only memory of this movie, one day in the future we might say “eh, I’d see that again.”

Beer Four

Usually cameos are a good thing. This movie was so stocked full of B-levels like Jerry O’Connell, Horacio Sans, Henry Rollins, Vanilla Ice, Tony Hawk, and Tommy Lee, you’d think it was a new VH1 reality show. Sadly, even playing “spot the budget” couldn’t save this movie.

Beer Five

The premise might sound familiar to you. That’s because it was practically pulled from Can’t Buy Me Love. Replace the fart jokes with boner jokes to match the decade and there you have it. Except Can’t Buy Me Love was a very entertaining movie. This is garbage. Not to mention I don’t foresee a “McDreamy” sex symbol type role in play for DJ Qualls anytime soon.

Verdict

It’s not a Six Pack because it’s light enough to casually watch again, as long as you’re not paying attention and just watching the director’s love of filming Dushku in various high school outfits (See Beer Three). Overall, this is just another over the top high school BS movie.

Bonus Drinking Games

Take a Drink: every time someone lights a Zippo

Take a Drink: every time you hear the “Crazy Eyes” whip sound effect

Take a Drink: for every dance montage

Down a Shot: every time the tuba playing midget screams

About Jake Peroni

Bestselling Author, Distinguished Film Critic, Cutting Edge Journalist, Respected Reporter, Successful Businessman... Big Fat Sh*tty Liar. Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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