By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) –
HI EVERYONEOMGz my name is Kim and I’m totally loving Zac Efron!, he is just like, the hawtest boy I’ve ever seen, I would so let him buy me dinner! (LOLZ!1) JK, I would totally tho! And then he could, like, save my life or something, and let me pet his dawg. And then I’d ask him for a ring and he’d buy it for me, but only if it wasn’t too expensive, I’m not a whore or anything. ZOMG!!! and then we could do make outs, but only for as long as I wanted too, and he’d be ok with that. And Taylor Schilling is so making me want to lez out and then, like… hey, who are you?
Oberst: Back! Tween hell bitch! BACK! *sprays with cleaning fluid*
Kim: Oh god! My eyes!, I feel spring fresh, IN MY EYEEEEESS…..
Works every time
Since every single Nicholas Sparks novel is a variant on the same plot, allow me the courtesy of foregoing a synopsis.
Needless to say, this is in fact a Nicholas Sparks movie, and if you’re a 14-30 year old Girl, you will probably want to get your friends together to have a good long cry. Yes, the argument could be made that this kind of film capitalizes on female emotions in much the same way that pornography capitalizes on erections, but if we can take Ol’ Lefty out for a date once in awhile, why can’t the Mrs. go out for the evening and pretend she didn’t marry a serial masturbator?
Note to self, flammable liquids do not a lube make…
There is little enough memorable in this train wreck of schmaltz, but the first thing you’ll find displeasing is the opening monologue, set to a beautiful helicopter shot of the Louisiana Delta.
“You know, the smallest thing can change your life, and to find the light, you must pass through the deepest darkness”
So movie, that’s it? You’re going to just kick things off with clichéd bullshit? Admittedly, it sets the tone quite well.
Zac Efron’s character Logan reminds me of Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. Minus the ability to evoke emotion, and the potential of a career anywhere outside of mawkish tripe. In The Lucky One his facial reactions range anywhere from “overdose of botox”, to “recent stroke victim”.
He was so much more lively in his “Bieber Hair” stage.
Jay R. Ferguson plays the role of “Asshole Ex with an irrational hatred of Three-Dimensional storytelling”. From the first moment he is introduced, you can tell that he is going to be the unnecessary antagonist, who is just waiting to do something dickish, like increase the screen-time beyond the audience’s patience. And by the time that his character starts to show some depth, he is unceremoniously killed off in a moment that must have been very convenient for the screenwriters.
Coffee Breaks are a priority, original writing less so…
This beer goes down with immense empathy for Blythe Danner, whose character is that of the “Wise Friend/Mother Figure” for Taylor Schilling. She seems to have been typecast for a long time as “quirky middle-aged foil” to the lead character. And too be fair, she does manage to be the most interesting character here. That is, if you ignore the fact that this character is present in every Lifetime television movie known to man, as well as 90% of romantic films ever made.
Some random thoughts I had sitting in the theater:
“For god’s sake, just show her the fucking picture already, it’s not getting any less creepy.”
“So, he walked from Colorado to Louisiana to get a job at a kennel, and Taylor Schilling thinks he’s crazy, but a 1 minute conversation with Blythe Danner has proven that he is both; A: Qualified to take care of living creatures, and B: Not planning on raping anyone.”
“So stalker Ex-Husband with a proven violent streak is threatening to take Taylor Schilling to court to gain full-time custody of the child… And he says that no judge in the world would allow her to keep the kid after dating a drifter with no criminal history and a laudable military background.” *Checks Nicholas Sparks’ educational background* “Holy shit, a valedictorian from Notre Dame thought this made sense?”
No joke here… just… no…
If you liked this movie, CONGRATULATIONS, you’re wrong!
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: when Zac Efron gives his stoic half-smile™
Take a Drink: for every plot hurdle that is overcome in the name of passionate make-out sessions, Take an Extra Drink when overcoming the hurdle results in “water-related makeouts” ©Nicolas Sparks
Predictable-Plot-Twist Challenge: As you’re watching the movie, try to predict either the next line, the next choice made by x character, or the next plot twist; if you’re right, take a drink, if you’re wrong, down a shot of hard booze.