The Goonies (1985)

The Goonies (1985)
The Goonies (1985) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jake Peroni (A Toast) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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A film depicting the adventures of a tight knit group of preteen boys on the hunt for “One-Eye Willie” doesn’t only exist in a hidden file folder on Jerry Sandusky’s desktop, it’s also one of the greatest family adventure movies of all time.

 

 

“Arrr, ye found me kids, now come tie my shoe and then we’ll go find my pants”

Life was entirely different growing up in the 80’s. We had to wait for Saturday morning to watch cartoons. Our TV screens were the size of cereal boxes. We had to look at magazines hidden in the woods to see naked girls. We even had to use this thing called “imagination” when playing video games…

Call of Duty wasn’t quite the same back then

But most of all, family movies were not held to such high standards created by the “last place trophy” generation, torturing normal adults with educational and moral themes.

“Do you smell… What the Rock… Is cooking?” “Yes, and it stinks like shit”

Back then our social lives were not determined by facebook and Xbox, it was merely a series of adventures with the kids in our neighborhoods. Whether you grew up in the ghetto or the ‘burbs, everyone played together with the same group of kids day in, day out… Even if you didn’t like them.

“Dammit Andy, you pyro, we just want to play Relievio!”

The movie Goonies captures the essence of a neighborhood, albeit the most beautiful coastal suburban neighborhood ever imagined (and for some reason a man has the power to evict everyone to turn it into a golf course?)

The introduction of the characters in the opening sequence alone, welcomes the audience as just another member of the gang raised in the “Goondocks”

Led by Mikey Walsh (Sean Astin) a small group of friends stumble upon an old treasure map in an attick full of folklore collectables. In an effort to save their community from greedy developers, they set out on a treasure hunt to find a fortune hidden by a ruthless pirate named One-Eye Willie.

Joined by Mikey’s reluctant older brother Brand (Josh Brolin), Kerri Green, and Martha Plimpton, the group soon finds themselves pursued by a dangerous, yet likeable, family of outlaws called the Fratellis (Anna Ramsey, Joe Pantoliano, and Robert Davi).

As the gang simultaneously follows the map while eluding the villains, the mongoloid son of the Fratellis befriends one of the boys and joins the pursuit through a series of underground caves and booby traps. All leading to the lost pirate ship and a climactic confrontation.

“You see, here is a picture of me in 20 years and I look the exact same, just no headband.”

A Toast

The movie is lighthearted and fun to watch, filled with excitement and humor that can be enjoyed by both young and old alike.

Written by Chris Columbus (after he invented America) and Steven Spielberg (from EVERYTHING) and Directed by Richard Donner (The talented reindeer that directed Superman) The Goonies captures the fun of childhood in a PG adventure that many movies, notably the recent high budget hit Super 8, try to mimic but fall flat due to the truly casual, enjoyable flow that this film provides.

The music score including both Spielberg style instrumentals accenting each scene to 80’s pop icons like Cyndi Lauper, add equally as much character to this film as the cast.

The special effects were done in a time before CGI, and capture the massiveness of the ship and authentic environments throughout the film. Although CGI could be used to add detail to compliment the sets (such as the waterslide through the cave), thankfully this film was created before CGI could turn this into a cartoon.

Though the editing was not a shining example to follow, certain elements omitted from the theatrical release are now popping up all over. I recently saw a scene involving an octopus attacking the group. After watching this movie countless times as a child, this new scene took me by surprise (I always thought it was funny when Data lied to the police about an octopus at the end). The real scene in the film destroys one of the its greatest jokes.

Not to mention I’m 65% sure that is the same exact Octopus they used in Popeye

There are many noticeable “cover ups” done in editing. Voice over work is unbalanced, but this is all minor in comparison.  If there is any negativity toward this movie it is due to the rumored “sequel” that has plagued us for the last 25 years or so. Yes, sequels usually suck and end up diminishing the integrity of the original.  Even recently the rumors spread about a Goonies adventure taking place 20 years later. Truth is the closest we came to a sequel is the video game strategically named “Goonies II” Which has to be one of the worst video games ever created.

Why can I still hear that horrible music just from seeing this pic?

Without question if a sequel is made, in today’s standards it will be a horrible Journey 2-type CGI movie. I have doubts that they simply cannot capture the magic from the original.  But still, a part of me would love to see them try.

Verdict

One of the greatest family adventure movies of all time. It’s simply impossible not to love this movie. Even the Nazi’s would have liked it, and those assholes hated everything.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever someone refers to themself in the 3rd person

Take a Drink: whenever the Fratelli brothers physically fight eachother

Take a Drink: whenever Mikey takes a hit of his inhaler

Down a Shot: whenever someone says the word “Goonies”

About Jake Peroni

Bestselling Author, Distinguished Film Critic, Cutting Edge Journalist, Respected Reporter, Successful Businessman... Big Fat Sh*tty Liar. Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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