By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
I originally tried to write this review in a high keen of animal terror, but I couldn’t figure out how to communicate that on paper. Likewise, filling the screen with a hundred or so HOLY FUCK!s wasn’t all that feasible. So, in lieu of learning the shrieking, chattering language of Hell, which Rosetta Stone’s only provided a Level One for so far, I’ll attempt to communicate my thoughts in English.
So, the Garbage Pail Kids were originally on Topps trading cards meant to capitalize on/satire the already horrifying enough thank you Cabbage Patch Dolls craze. Since this was the 80’s, they became wildly popular, meaning there just Had to be a movie starring that kid from Facts of Life. And, instead of animating it like any reasonable producer whose blood was less than 50% cocaine would, they decided to go live action and 80’s it up as much as possible.
MacKenzie Astin stars as a kid who works for an antique shop proprietor/magician when he’s not lusting after the much older Katie Barberi, which runs him afoul of the least intimidating gang this side of West Side Story.
His plan is to woo the lady of his dreams via the sneak attack approach by helping her sell her “fashion” out of the trunk of her car at nightclubs and sporting self-made clothes that would provoke a homophobic beatdown from Elton John.
When the homeless encyclopedia salesman approach somehow lands Barberi and Astin a fashion show, the only thing standing between them and happiness is a little sweatshop labor…
This is probably the worst film that I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen more shit than the poor douche who cleans the Jackass sets. That’s got to be worth something, right?
This scene put his kids through college
There’s a half-assed back story to these living fetal alcohol syndrome fever dreams, but I’m too disheartened to bother with it. This is what that homeless guy down the street who won’t stop screaming sees when he closes his eyes. These things touched Takashi Miike as a child, and he’s spent the rest of his life trying to tell us about it. This is what waits behind the light at the end of the tunnel for child rapists.
Gaze upon this! GAZE!
Speaking of child rapists, I’m not sure how old Astin is in this film (and am too lazy to find out), but it’s obvious he’s much, much younger than Barberi. So, that makes the times when the little perv smells her hair when she bends down, or when she sucks on his ear for ten seconds, or when she rubs her nipple and then touches his nose all the creepier. The kicker is that Astin and Barberi were actually dating in real life at the time.
I think Child Protective Services would just give him a high five
Somehow worse than pedophilia, though, is the music. It’s like someone sat down and listened to every 80’s children’s movie soundtrack and then tried to weaponize it. Honestly, this was the worst part of the film. Long after you’ve grown calloused and indifferent to the horrifying images on the screen, this music earworms on in, tearing ragged chunks from your sanity. And I’m not even going to go into the fucking musical numbers.
If you really, really hate your children, and want to ensure they never cross you again, show them this.
This movie is stuffed to the gills with fart, vomit, snot, and piss jokes. These are by far the most sophisticated jokes in the film.
Yes, Fonz impressions are sub-booger comedy
Everything is apparently supposed to lead up to some kind of moral the kiddies can take away from the flick. Now, those that noticed the sweatshop labor comment earlier may assume it’s socialist, or after seeing the State Home for the Ugly, which has cages full of people that are “Too Hairy” or “Too Silly” awaiting death by trash compactor (try and sleep now, kids!) you can assume any sort of persecuted minority comparison. Hell, the screenwriters even throw in a line or two like “We can’t choose the way we look, but we can choose the way we behave”… which is immediately followed with a large, juicy fart.
Think I’m kidding?
If you have no desire to eventually attain or continue a well-balanced, mentally stable life, then by all means go ahead. Maybe bring some undiluted gas tank moonshine along, though.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: any time you sense a moral being snuck in
Take a Drink: for every bodily function joke (careful!)
Drink a Shot: every time the tiny voices urge you to set something on fire