Something Borrowed (2011)

Something Borrowed (2011)
Something Borrowed (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst von Berauscht (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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ZOMG GUYZ (LULZ!) Darcy Rhone (Ginnifer Goodwin) is a successful young attorney living in New York.  Her best friend Rachel (Kate Hudson) is totally getting married to her secret college crush Dex (Colin Egglesfield), but like, her dude friend Ethan (John Krasinski) really likes her too.  And then one day (I SWEAR) on her birthday Darcy like totally slept with Dex….

I can’t do this… I fucking can’t do this… Do I really have to watch this movie?

Ed: “Am I going to have to get out the cattleprod?”

Ow! Fuck, come on man, friggin THOR comes out this weekend and this is what I get to review?

Ed: “You may be getting off easy, I’ve got Jumping the Broom, so suck it up”

Alright, I’ll do it.  On one condition… Can I do it while sick with a bad cold and coughing up a lung?

Ed: “You’re twisting my arm, but ok.”

A Toast

All I see is milquetoast bullshit.  I’m sure if I had female companionship for the movie I’d find a way to go all “hey, I actually kind of liked The Notebook”.  But…

Homey don’t play dat

I’ll give credit where credit is due, and say that at the very least, the movie is a very competent production, well shot, and directed.  But with a story this illogical, it falls apart quickly.

Second Beer

For a movie about love, I was far more interested in the side plot involving friend-zone male companion Ethan.  As someone who has found himself in this territory more than his share of times, I found him easy to like as a character.  Throughout the movie he comments humorously on the bad decisions, stupid choices, and all-but-absent logic of the characters all because he cares about Darcy.  Since I’m awarding this a beer, I’m sure you can guess how much this gets him.

Third Beer

Darcy’s friend Rachel is probably the most repulsive character I’ve seen in recent memory (Memory which includes a burning school bus full of children).

I’m actually kind of fucked up…

Rachel is an alcoholic, a lout, a cheater, and a liar.  And we’re supposed to empathize with her?  I don’t for a moment believe that Darcy would’ve stayed friends with Rachel, nor that Dex would actually take so long to decide he doesn’t want to marry her.

Fourth Beer

Probably my biggest complaint about the film is that the whole thing could have been resolved in the first 20 minutes.  Most women are capable of intelligent, competent decisions.  Why Hollywood seems content with treating them like invalids when it comes to their own relationships is beyond me.  I guess since Dex is equally stupid in this regard, the movie is kind of progress.

Fifth Beer

There is something about Ginnifer Goodwin’s smile… I swear I think her face is about to split in two.

?

Verdict

Avoid it at all costs, that is unless you’ve got a date.

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a drink: every time Ethan looks baffled by his friend’s bad decisions

Take a drink: whenever any character is drinking (This might kill you)

Down a Shot: whenever your girlfriend squeals at forced romance

 

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they’re confused about something) at least a few times a week. I’ve gotten way off track here… The point is, Oberst is one of the website’s founders, so… yeah

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