By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
Of all the terrible imitators of Jaws’ massive success, from its own sequels to the latest SyFy nonsense, Shark Attack 3 has long been held as the shit standard. So, of course I was going to get around to plunking down with a sixer and watching it at some point.
The movie follows a (Mexican?) coastguard dude as he battles a shark who’s been chewing on beachgoers and an intercontinental cable of some sort. He sends one of its teeth to a blonde protagonist, who joins him in his hunt when she identifies it as a baby prehistoric Megalodon, which grow to the size of semi as an adult. Predictable evil corporation, shark attacky things follow.
This guy, with extra German menace factor
For a flick that relies on stock footage for most of its shark attack scenes, at least they picked good footage, and the editing actually produces some not terrible action sequences…
… and that’s pretty much all the good you can say about the movie. The writing, production values, and especially the acting are all bottom-shelf. This is compounded by the fact that they dubbed everything, and it’s sadly, sadly obvious. When you couple this with Jenny McShane, who doesn’t seem to know what to do with her face, hilarity ensues.
What do you even call that expression?
All of that is not what makes this movie a classic, though. One big reason is the cheesetastic one-liners, from the passable “You’re extinct, fucker!” all the way to the most romantic line of all time, “What do you say I… take you home and eat your pussy.”
Most impressive of all, though, are the special effects once Momma shows up. Tasked with creating a gigantic shark, the director instead uses footage of a regular-sized one and layers on special effects that would have ashamed 1950’s TV director.
Here’s a taste. You’ll be back for more
Chug one for the final act, where our protagonists figure all they need to stop a giant grenade-proof shark that’s swallowed an entire motorboat and a businessman on a Seadoo is a box with ‘Explosives’ written on the side. Sure, there’s a tiny submarine and a crossbow or something involved, but if you’re still sober enough to try and comprehend the plan you’re doing this all wrong.
This beer is because the movie isn’t shitty enough. Hear me out. If they had cut out the boring, garden-variety crappiness of baby Megalodon, who’s pretty much just a Great White, and stretched our half hour with the adult version into two while throwing in a few more Skinamax sex scenes for good measure, we’d really have a terrible movie for the ages.
Actually, the first 45 minutes are a great opportunity to get blotto before the true awesomeness comes
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every stock footage shark fin
Take a Drink: for every cartoonish Mexican accent
Drink a Shot: every time Momma Megalodon swallows something