There was no one less jazzed about life than I was when I learned what fate April had in store for me. And the cherry on top of the shit sundae came when Scary Movie 5 rolled down the pike like a lopsided turd and wobbled to a stop in front of yours truly. As I approached the box office with trepidation in my heart and hard-earned money in my hand, a lady came panting up behind me wheezing and smelling like hot garbage. I crossed my fingers and hoped we’d be seat buddies! Once in the theater, She-Hulk sat near me and got winded opening a package of whoppers. This was going to be a long movie in more ways than one. So before you read on, dear Movie Boozers, please remember what we writers do for you, and for the greater good of alcohol enthusiasts worldwide. Excelsior!
Scary Movie 5 is the latest, and hopefully last, installment in the Scary Movie franchise. This film is a parody of no less than thirteen movies, one naughty book, and the character Madea. I’m sure there was a partridge in a pear tree somewhere up in that bitch. The three main storylines involved are from Mama, Black Swan and Paranormal Activity: A young couple adopts orphaned children, lives in a haunted house where hijinks and shenanigans ensue, and the female lead is a competitive ballerina teetering on the edge of insanity. Minor films, television shows and books referenced include: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Sinister, Inception, Evil Dead, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Fifty Shades of Grey, The Help, Zero Dark Thirty, Insidious, The Cabin in the Woods and Ted.
I’ll admit it, I laughed a few times… During the outtakes. You know your movie sucks when the best shit happens after it ends. That’s like tossing in a three-pointer after the buzzer and arguing for the points. The most fun I had during the movie included live-tweeting it for Movie Boozer and listening to Hot Garbage gargle pop and eviscerate three orders of nachos. It was like watching a rabid hyena tear into the carcass of a fallen wildebeest (if that poor bastard was covered in jalapenos and cheese).
Somebody lost a bet and/or sold their soul to the devil when Scary Movie 5 got the green light. For starters, the plot had a brief, passing nod at coherence before drinking too much, getting groped at a party, puking in the bushes and ending the night passed out spooning a lawn jockey. I’d say this movie was a train wreck, but even those are better organized. That’s the only explanation for a film so aggressively vulgar (coming from me that’s saying something) and tragically unfunny being made. If you walk out of this movie with even one functioning brain cell, it’s probably the one that ran away to rock itself to sleep weeping in the back of your mind.
Like a waterfall of puke, each projectile missile of a sequel has been worse than the last, culminating in what I can only imagine to be a harbinger of the apocalypse. Another flaw of Scary Movie 5 was the blindingly obvious amateur editing errors, chief among them the loose relationship dialogue had with syncing up to the actors mouths. Though the franchise has made an alarming amount of money from the eternal parade of twelve-year-old boys riding on a merry-go-round of mediocrity, this movie dials the shit factor all the way up to eleven.
It’s been thirteen years since the first Scary Movie was made and five movies later the franchise not only bought into the cliché “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” they had fucking shirts, mugs and keychains made with that motto. The newest chapter, in a book I wouldn’t read even if I were trapped on the can with the shits, recycles the same old template, the same old plot and the same old gags. If a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, then Scary Movie 5 attempts to shove its regurgitated feces down your throat using three fucking tons of it.
Someone has dirt on every one of the cast members in Scary Movie 5. Murder, and Drugs and Sex Tapes, Oh My! That’s the only reason I can think of that any of these celebrities would sign up to flush their talent down the toilet. I’m also fairly certain that they were acting with a gun trained on them to ensure the most wooden portrayals possible. At least some of the actors had fun during the process (see Last Call below) but it would’ve been nice if the cast had been able to translate that into the film itself. Scary Movie 5 will undoubtedly linger on their resumes like that one-night stand who calls you up months later to tell you that your “magical” experience spawned a lifetime of herpes.
In addition to an incoherent plot, cheap editing mistakes, a predictable template and bad acting, Scary Movie 5 failed to amuse. On any level. The stale plot, lacking any twists or creativity, just sat there like a bloated Jabba the Hutt, consuming any flicker of comedic potential the film might’ve had. I could hear crickets the entire time I was in the theater because of the five people who saw it with me, not a one of them laughed, not once. Stupid can be funny; satire can be delightfully irreverent and still have wit. Scary Movie 5 bypassed all of that entirely and left me longing for the sweet embrace of alcohol…
Much like a hooker you find working on the side of the road, Scary Movie 5 is something you should give a hard “pass”. This film is the cinematic equivalent of watching a sad clown jerking off into a wad of dollar bills using his own tears as lube.
Last Call: If you do go and see this shitfest, stay after the film ends (completely through the credits) for outtakes and a final scene.
Take a Drink: every time you hear narration in the style of Morgan Freeman.
Take a Drink: for each face punch, body blow and sack tap.
Do a Shot: every time you see Charlie Sheen in a scene.
Take a Drink: anytime a baby is dropped, launched, whacked or set on fire.
Take a Drink: whenever you hear “Mama”, “Cabin in the Woods” or “Penis”.
Do a Shot: each time someone gets anally violated.
Take a Drink: for each severed limb you see or hear referenced.
Shotgun a Beer: anytime you regret watching this movie. Have a backup liver on stand-by.