Robogeisha (2009)

Robogeisha (2009)
Robogeisha (2009) DVD / Blu-rayv

RoboGeisha is the latest in a burgeoning trend of honesty in action film titles. Just as Snakes On A Plane promised carnivorous reptiles invading a passenger jet, and Shoot Em Up had people with guns shooting other people with guns, and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was a piece of unmitigated shit, this film delivers just what you’d expect.You have face-painted subservient female entertainers, and they are in fact cyborgs that fire shuriken out of their ass… And if you didn’t guess the part about the shuriken, that’s okay, but it does mean you need to get out more. Or that I need to get out more… what have I done with my life?

RoboGeisha is directed by Japanese auteur Noboru Iguchi, whose dazzling track-record includes such genre classics as Busty Costume Play Investigator, Enema Shame Zone 13, and Beautiful Girl on the Toilet 2: Secret Excrement. So the question must be asked: Why is one of Japan’s most expressionistic filmmakers creating a commercial action flick? And the answer can only be, “Because why the fuck not?”

strange Japanese manThe next David Lynch?

A Toast

Raise your glass and down a cool lager for this attempt to satirize RoboCop, Samurai films, and indeed even Kaiju monster movies all at once. When the humor hits, it hits hard. And by the time a pagoda sprouts robotic arms and sets out to destroy Tokyo, you’ll be too busy smiling at the bleeding buildings to recognize what makes this movie truly laughable.

Robogeisha, robopagoda kaiju This…. is awesome

Beer Two

Like so many recent action films, this movie seems to be shot in extreme close-up vision.And while some critics might argue that it makes you feel like you are in on the action, in reality it is nothing more than a cinematographer’s trick to hide poor fight choreography.Normally in such an obviously low budget film I’d forgive cinematography problems, as technology doesn’t always favor fancy camera angles.But the fact is they had the money to afford CGI effects, so they probably could have found themselves a decent cameraman.

Beer Three

I hope the second beer you reach for is one of those newfangled Energy Drink Malt Beverages, because you’ll likely need it to stay conscious through the needlessly dramatic dialog.I don’t think Noboru Iguchi told the screenwriter that the movie was supposed to be a comedy.But then again, Noboru Iguchi wrote the damn thing… so I don’t really know what to say at this point.Just be ready to drink heavily through the exposition and stick around for this:

Rogogeisha, fried shrimp in the eyesBeer Four

Drop a shot of whiskey into your glass to get through the CGI.For a movie that uses practical effects so often, you’d think they wouldn’t want to ruin it with crappy cartoons.

Robogeisha, tank geishaAnd you’d be wrong.

Beer Five

The fifth and final beer goes to the missed opportunities.The much promised Geisha cat-fight between the two sisters never comes to fruition.In fact, the trailer promised a battle between Geisha armies.This Never happens.(A commercial that is misleading… unpossible!) And really, how could they not have the Robot Pagoda fight a famous monster?Even if it wasn’t possible due to the expense of the Godzilla license, it seems they could at least put a guy in a turtle suit and called it Gamera.

turtle disguise, The Master of DisguiseI just threw up in my mouth a little…

Verdict

This movie is a beer short of a six-pack, and I’ll let you interpret that any way you wish.

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a drink: Whenever a new Geisha ability is demonstrated

Take a drink: Every time something bleeds that isn’t supposed to


About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

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