By: Henry J. Fromage (Three Beers) –
A team of former CIA operatives eligible for the AARP band together to try to figure out who’s trying to kill them off and kick some ass.
There’s nothing wrong with a popcorn flick, and that’s exactly what Red is. It’s got about everything you’d want- stuff blowing up, wisecracking action stars, Ernest Borgnine… yep, Ernest Borgnine.He may be 140 and look like Yoda, but he can still carry a scene.This guy’s first movie was in 1951, for crying out loud, and that was after a distinguished ten-year career in the U.S. Navy.He won an Academy Award before Tom Hanks was even born.The fact that he can do more than drool and mumble racist slurs is amazing, much less remember lines.
More props are deserved by Helen Mirren, who somehow gets sexier as she gets older, and John Malkovich and his stuffed pig, which bring both the crazy and the boom.There’s also a pretty filthy-sweet car crash scene which is about as bad-assed as anything you’d hope to see.All of the action scenes are damn good, actually, which is pretty critical for a flick like this.
The final swig goes to the editing, which is pretty much a star itself.I particularly liked the splicing of action and comedy scenes, which kept you gasping and laughing the whole time… kinda like having your cake and eating it too.
Unfortunately, the plot was about as conventional as it comes.I’m pretty sure if you sat some monkeys down to watch a representative sample of blockbuster action movies, you’d only need about two typewriters to churn out this script.
Everything that you think will happen, happens.If you’ve ever used crayons successfully, you’ll figure out each “twist” twenty minutes early.
This one is a scripting issue as well: the dialogue is very hit-or-miss, leaning heavily to the “miss” side.Lines like “Wow, you really ARE CIA!” abound, although you’ll have to add the wah, wah, wah sound in your head.
I don’t want to crack on this movie too bad, though.The director and cast save this one.You put the Wild Hogs cast in this with Brett Ratner directing and you’d need an Everclear I.V. to make this liveable.In the end Red’s a nice flick to pop some kernels to with some pretty sick action sequences, and I’ll take that every time.
Watch it.It’s a fireball-filled popcorn flick that’s not entirely stupid, which is nice for once.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: every time John Malkovich does something crazy
Take a drink: whenever anybody makes an age-related joke
Drink a shot: every time you can’t help but find Helen Mirren attractive