By: Henry J. Fromage (Five Beers) –
Based on the popular video game, a Persian prince must safeguard a time-traveling dagger against the schemes of his evil uncle.
A Jerry Bruckheimer-produced, big-budget, Disney flagship franchise vehicle? Last time this happened, I was game…
Perhaps this one had too much to live up to, but there were still some toast-worthy moments. The ostrich-racing was cool, even though everything around it appeared to have come from the AladdinschoolofArabicstereotypes. The knife-thrower is pretty badass, and gets to rock n roll fairly often.
He’ll throw a knife at your face and look pimp-sauce doing it
And the concept itself was pretty sweet: a time-traveling dagger has all kinds of potential plot uses, unless…
… the scriptwriting team is functionally retarded. This is an actual line from the film: “Well, the solution would be to kiss me, then kill me, but I have a better solution… I kill you!” I rest my case.
Coupled with this excellent writing is an apparent need to incorporate every action movie cliché they can. Slo-mo walking, check. Unsheathing your weapon while flames shoot up in the background, check. Frantic editing, check. It’s kind of like a Reader’s Digest for the last 3 summers’ slate of blockbusters.
Let’s go back to the writing for a sec. Every time a blatantly obviously situation occurs the writers feel the need to spell it out letter by L-E-T-T-E-R, making you wonder what kind of audience they thought would be watching it.
He’s his own grandpa and he still feels condescended to
This last libation is to whatever happened to Sir Ben Kingsley, who plays this film’s villain. He wins a best actor statue all the way back in 1982 for Gandhi, only his second feature film. While there are several notable exceptions, he’s been pretty much all about the money since. I’m not sure what Bloodrayne, A Sound of Thunder, or The Love Guru pays, but apparently it’s more than his dignity.
No dignity here…
Don’t watch it. Classic example of throwing more and more money after bad and hoping it works out.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: every time someone jumps
Take a drink: every time Gemma Arterton says something saucy and/or stupid
Drink a shot: for every sequel hint