Welcome to a He Said/ She Said review of films! We’re just two newlyweds trying to navigate sharing the Netflix queue while balancing our divergent tastes in movie genres. Sometimes we agree – and sometimes one of us loses our place in line!
Ostensibly it’s a film about a frustrated magazine writer’s flashbacks of her failed relationships as a deadline to turn in an article about love by the end of the day looms over her. Not that you’d know it from the movie – Kate Welles’ (Famke Janssen) “flashbacks” seem to play in real-time, with few allusions to said “work.”
For such a literally named rom-com, this flick features very little of either love or sex. Before Famke’s fabulous turn as Jean Grey/Phoenix in the original X-Men trilogy and Jon Favreau’s ass hit the director’s chair to helm the Iron Man franchise, these two bona fide celebrities costarred in this train wreck of a film. Famke and Jon are appealing people, but this movie managed to make their characters come off as nearly intolerable. A feat, indeed! Saturday Night Live alum Cheri Oteri stars as Famke’s friend and officemate, but her presence is so brief that it’s barely worth mentioning.
She Said: You’ve got to say it…
He Said: Famke Janssen –maybe we’ll get to see her tits!
She Said: Thank you! And… I hate to spoil it, but Famke seems like a “no nudity clause” kind of chick.
He Said: Damn.
A cute premise quickly goes awry. The snippets of Kate as a sixth-grader already unlucky in love are adorable. Fast-forward to scenes of cranky New York City Kate in her work cubicle… not so cute. Kate’s editor chastises her for turning in an article that’s more about blowjobs than romance – which seems surprising for a Cosmo-like publication. Kate is sent back to her desk to write about love, damn it!
She Said: She knows more about blowjobs than relationships? And this is a problem because?
He Said: How do you keep the perfect guy? I’ll give you a hint! Maybe this movie is on the right track after all.
What begins as flashbacks to Kate’s relationship failures actually becomes the movie. We’re introduced to Adam Levy (Favreau) at an art gallery and he immediately steals Kate from her boring date. How he landed such a babe without the charisma to match is never answered. Kate falls for him on the spot.
She Said: What’s up with Jon’s sideburns? They look like pubes.
He Said: It looks like someone took a shit on his head. But he plays a good jerk.
She Said: I’m not really seeing the crazy chemistry between them. He seems like the geeky friend, not someone who would sweep her off her feet.
He Said: Maybe he’s an easy out from the boring dude. Yeah, this doesn’t seem like a date – it seems like two people talking.
She Said: Nice white sock/black shoe combo, Jon. Sexy!
What a delightful couple!
They embark on a turbulent relationship, relieved of any believability or chemistry, despite a striptease by… Adam. Sorry, didn’t mean to get your hopes up there! They continue to bond as they celebrate the first time Kate farts in front of Adam.
She Said: Jon can’t do sexy.
He Said: I’ve never seen two people less likely to fuck each other in my life. (Jon starts the striptease.) Oh, my god – I didn’t know this was a horror film!
She Said: This movie is dumb. I thought it started off kind of cool, but it’s getting worse and worse. Why does Kate have such low self-esteem?
He Said: Who knew relationships could be so boring? Can we review a movie without watching the whole thing?
She Said: I was wrong – there is chemistry. These two neurotic assholes deserve each other.
Whatever was fun in this union hails “Adios” as they hit their one-year anniversary and Kate announces her unplanned pregnancy. On the upside, Adam gets Kate a box of kittens as a gift! On the downside, Kate loses the baby almost as quickly as they made it.
He Said: A box of kittens – it’s the best part of the movie! This film should be called Don’t Date Me. How did you find this thing?
She Said: It’s a fine line between drama and boredom – at least for this filmmaker. Why go to the hospital when you can cry on the bathroom floor? Can I buy this woman some balls?
He Said: Can we at least see her in a bikini? There’s something wrong with this movie. Maybe a 15-year old girl, or someone who hasn’t had much experience with life, wrote it.
She Said: This movie is dragging us through the dregs of relationships. Where’s the joy?
We had more fun watching the fake fireplace Larry just bought me.
They breakup and make up – way too long of a story made short. Does she ever submit her groundbreaking article to the magazine? Do we care? The highlight of the film, if you can believe it, is a cameo by Friends alum David Schwimmer as a religious nut who goes door to door spreading “the good word.” That’s rough.
She Said: They never had much sexual chemistry; when they lose it, it’s extra brutal.
He Said: Man, rub these two together and you get a wet blanket. First rule of cinema: you must create empathy within the audience for the characters. This is not being done. This makes the dreaded Blue Valentine look like art.
She Said: It was art!
He Said: Hmmm, I don’t know about that.
She Said: Kate seems like a goddamn psychopath.
He Said: You can only suspend disbelief so far… Watching the DVD player count down the time is more interesting. (Larry gets up to leave the room.) Don’t pause it! Can I pick the next film, please?
Don’t worry, Famke – we felt angry and disappointed too.
We considered destroying the disc so the next Netflix subscriber could be spared the pain, but we figured it was in act in futility as more than one copy of this horrid film most likely exists. Shame.
Bonus Drinking Game (if you dare)
Take a drink: every time you want to shout at Kate, “Get a goddamn backbone!”
Take a drink: every time you think, “Why is Jon sporting pubes as sideburns?”
Take a shot: if you make it far enough through the film to be rewarded with the “box of kittens” scene.