By Jenna Zine & Larry Crane
Welcome to a He Said/ She Said review of films! We’re just two newlyweds trying to navigate how to share the Netflix queue while balancing our diverging tastes in movie genres.
Life As We Know It (Six Pack) –
Katherine “Rainbow Killer” Heigl and Josh “I didn’t cheat on Fergie with that stripper; I thought she was the stripper” Duhamel star in this painfully schmaltzy “love” story. The director and screenwriter can’t agree if this film is a comedy, romantic tale or drama – and therefore they fail miserably at all three.
Holly Berenson (Heigl) and Eric Messer (Duhamel) are set up on a blind date by their mutual best friends. The two don’t come close to making a love connection during their disastrous meeting. However, their dear friends, as well as the couple’s newborn bind them together throughout the years.
He Said: Oh, this is that movie with the baby. Uh oh. I saw the trailer.
She Said: Nice clip-on bangs, Heigl. Oh my god, my cousin’s baby is so much cuter than this kid!
Here is where the film veers from a halfhearted attempt at comedy into drama – Holly receives a late night phone call, only to learn her best friends have perished in a car crash. (Not a spoiler, this info is in the trailer). She and Messer meet at the hospital and it dawns on them that they have a serious responsibility to share.
He Said: Heigl in the bath – best part of the movie yet. The music has changed -something bad has happened. The something bad is they’re not showing me her tits. You have to look up what else this guy directed so we don’t accidently watch it. I’m missing the Adam Sandler movie we recently saw (Just Go With It).
She Said: So, the baby goes with these two? As if their friends have no other family! The implausibility meter is off the charts!
He Said: Is that even legal to give your baby to people like this? Can we save four of these beers and watch Blade Runner?
More cleavage, less drama please!
Holly seriously fast tracks her baby knowledge; Messer lolls around the house, still acting like a cad. The tone becomes even more confused as the scenes blend between the lighthearted baby moments and their friend’s funeral.
He Said: I think they should sell the baby on the black market and move to Mexico. This movie should be classified under science fiction – none of it makes any sense. Can this be a 12-pack review? Even the baby needs a beer.
She Said: Indeed. My folks used to put beer in my bottle. I miss the free-wheelin’ 70’s.
An alleged cad – in life and film!
Holly gets a crush on baby Sophie’s pediatrician, the conveniently hot Dr. Sam (Josh Lucas). Messer has an unbelievable dream job at a television station, helping direct pro-basketball games. Meanwhile Messer and Holly continue to co-parent in their friend’s luxurious home.
He Said: These guys are good actors, but I think the writer thought their delivery would somehow be funnier and make up for it all. I can’t think of a worse concept for a film. Sheer tedium.
She Said: It’s painful. A crying baby and people that don’t like each other – that’s real life! This is failing at the basic tenets of rom-coms – no romance, no comedy and no tits. They haven’t even given us the classic “meet cute” and instead have forced some kind of distorted reality on the audience. It’s no fun for anyone.
They look as humorless as we feel. At least we’re all having the same amount of fun – or lack thereof!
Montages abound! Holly and Messer begin to find common ground – even as they focus on successful careers, other crushes and, oh yeah, that damn baby.
He Said: I thought the characters in Blue Valentine were annoying and trivial, but these people take the cake. A movie so boring, not even your grandma would be offended. This is killing me.
She Said: Now Holly is wearing a beige cape. As if it were possible for the sexual tension to be dampened any more.
Messer decides to invest in Holly’s restaurant and a romantic candlelight dinner ensues at her place of business. After dinner, he teaches her how to ride a motorcycle… naturally! The motorcycle gets hit by a bus, sans Holly. Yes, one fatal accident is surely enough for this film.
(Spoiler Alert) They finally get together and decide to not only consummate their love in their dead friend’s bedroom; they also decide to sleep there. Good thing those pesky friends died so these two could have that gorgeous house and sweet baby with none of the work! There’s the obligatory confusion over whether or not they love each other before the film wraps up.
He Said: Forget water-boarding, just force terrorists to watch this film. Once it starts you can’t wait for it to end – even with beer. Seriously.
She Said: Audible snore. Good thing we live near a convenience store – we need more drinks to erase the memory of this flick, ASAP!
We’re in agreement – this one’s a stinker from beginning to end, and we don’t just mean the kid’s poopy diapers!
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: Every time Holly and Messer fight.
Take a drink: Every time there’s a poop or vomit scene.
Take a shot: Every time the baby does something cute.