Crank 2 picks up with the action-packed real-time feel of Crank. Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) awakes during open-heart surgery to a most horrifying sight. This isn’t a hospital-sanctioned operation – rather he’s being worked on by a group of gangsters who are replacing his vital organ with an AbioCor artificial heart. This faux blood pumper is outfitted with a battery pack which, when run down, will cause the internal battery to kick in. Once the internal battery is in use, Chev only has 60 minutes to live before his power literally runs out.
Chev wakes up during open-heart surgery in a filthy operating room, surrounded by gangsters…
She Said: Crank 2? Are you mad at me?
He Said: You said I could pick the next film.
She Said: Damn. This stars Amy Smart and Corey Haim?!
He Said: Who’s Amy Smart?
She Said: You don’t know who she is? She’s super cute!
He Said: Well then, she’s the one….
She Said: Yes honey, you’ll probably to see her tits and I might finally get some pec action!
Chev wakes up three months after surgery, anxious to get out of the hospital. And by “anxious” I mean that he’s immediately involved in a fistfight, a chase on foot, and a shoot-out.
She Said: He’s recovering nicely. I don’t remember having my wits about me like that after getting my tonsils out. Then again, I was 6. All I wanted was a Popsicle.
He Said: Wow, he has a fanny pack that powers his heart. This might be the dumbest movie I’ve ever seen…. starring Jason Statham.
She Said: This is kind of gross so far. I’m totally regretting having Thai food for dinner.
Chev calls his doctor to see how he can get his real heart back. His “doctor” is played Dwight Yoakum, of all people. Doc Miles (Yoakum) is spanking a stripper, who’s lying over his lap baring her ass, as he picks up the phone.
This Dr. makes house calls!
She Said: Chelios must have one hell of a health plan. I’ve never had my doctor’s home number!
He Said: I’ll bet you know a doctor who’s hung with strippers though.
She Said: Ha! Probably! Lord know they have enough dollar bills to throw around… Wow, the filmmakers are having Dwight Yoakum do the exposition of the plot?
He Said: Yeah, cuz that’s always the sign of a great movie.
She Said: I’m so glad I’m cheating and drinking champagne instead of beer. Beer makes me full and I’m going to need the whole bottle to get through this.
Chelios gets in a drag race with some more hoodlums before crashing his car and ultimately crushing his life-saving battery pack. He asks his former competitors for a jump. But it’s not for the car – it’s for him! He attaches the implements to his tongue and nipples, which literally “cranks” up the voltage in his body.
Hey, it’s Crank: High Voltage and he’s standing by a high voltage sign! Get it? The filmmakers will be happy to whack you over the head with it, if you’re feeling slow on the uptake…
She Said: Oh, my god – I hate you so much right now.
He Said: Defying the odds of space, time and science. This is lame. Oh, the bad guy’s got Chev’s heart in a beer cooler!
She Said: Can’t he just replace the heart with a six-pack?
Ah, the obligatory strip club scene! This film is shot to look like a video game and this portion of the movie is no different. There are lots of gratuitous flesh shots, but this scene is marred by over-the-top violence.
He Said: Bad people are always in the strip clubs, huh?
She Said: Well, unless we’re there.
He Said: This film… I don’t know what to say about it.
She Said: Yay! It’s Amy Smart!
He Said: Amy Not So Smart.
She Said: She’s cute as a button. I have no idea why she agreed to do this film. Her agent must hate her. This is basically porn with a budget and an excuse for wide-release. Sorry, wrong choice of words. I’m not enjoying this at all. I hope it’s not two hours long.
Two good looking people who really should’ve known better!
Chelios takes off with stripper/love interest Eve (Amy) in a police car for yet another high-speed chase. He treats himself to an occasional tasering to keep his energy up.
He Said: This is fuckin’ ridiculous. I didn’t know movies could be this bad. I think a 13-year old wrote this.
She Said: I saw a video game; I wrote a movie.
He Said: This is so dumb, I don’t know if it’s worth following up.
She Said: This is a hateful, disgusting film. This is beat-off material for miscreants. I can’t do it. I can do dumb, but I can’t do ugly. And this is ugly; ugly people with ugly thoughts.
He Said: I thought it would be cheesy bad. Not disgusting, painful and depressing.
She Said: Hey, you wanna watch Top Chef?
He Said: Padma, save me!
She Said: So, are you excited for (our next Pillow Talk) Splash?
He Said: It sounds great compared to this!
We made it through about a half-hour of this flick before deciding to call it. We had to move on to Top Chef as a visual palate cleanser.
Crank 2 is stupid, annoying, sexist, racist, obnoxious, and ugly. We assumed it would be more like Transporters, but it’s just nasty. Do people actually watch films like this?
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: every time Chelios has to shock himself to stay alive.
Take a drink: every time you’re disgusted by a racial stereotype.
Take a shot: if you make it long enough into the film to spot one of my favorite actors, Glenn Howerton (Dennis from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia). I didn’t make it that far, but Wikipedia tells me he’s in it!