Right, so after the movie, I said on Twitter that Statham was going to kick my ass over this review. Quite frankly, I hope he is kicking his agent’s ass. Parker is a movie about the people that pull off heists. Not so much bank heists, but object heists as well (that is to say that they play no favorites in the bills vs. jewelry game). Now I say it’s about the people who pull them off and it sounds like a show on A&E or History. The film starts off with a group of five men- each with a specific and integral part in said heist. Later on, Statham wants no part in future jobs and he is left for dead. The entire movie then becomes one long and stupid storyline of him getting revenge. Jennifer Lopez is thrown in for some reason as a love interest that does nothing particularly special and nearly all she does is get in the way.
I picked this movie because it has Jason Freaking Statham and he has not let me down yet. Lock Stock, Snatch, Transporter Trilogy, Crank, Expendables- you name it, he brings it. Fight scenes are obligatory for him by now and you will not be totally let down in that respect.
Why stray from what you’re good at?
Jason Statham is and plays badasses. I’m pretty sure that’s all his resume says by now is “certified bad ass”. What happens in this movie is that he isn’t given a back story other than being reliable and a man of his word. “I say I’ll do it and I do it” is the quote if not a paraphrase you often hear from him. Though he obviously wins every fight in the movie…it’s not a complete ass kicking as per usual (or as it should be).
I suppose the intent of the movie is Statham doing a kind of covert stakeout of sorts which just looks terrible on him. He is forced to wear a Texas accent for part of the movie (hence the cowboy hat) which was just all kinds of wrong. And while I’m talking about voices in this beer….you know that Nick Nolte mug shot from years back with the crazy hair and Hawaiian shirt? Well, he now sounds exactly how that picture looks.
Would you believe he once played Hulk’s father?
Everything from Jennifer Lopez to the drawn out “stakeout” as I’m calling it was really not needed. At all. They helped the movie become a near unbearable 1 hour 58 minutes. I liken it to Nic Cage’s Knowing in that there are maybe only a few scenes worth watching. Unfortunately, I think there may have been more worth watching in Cage’s movie than Statham’s…but that’s mainly because no matter how much Jason Statham gets beaten up vs. an opponent, HE WILL finish the fight.
About J-Lo… so, so useless. Her character brought in pointless conflict and all the conflict audiences want is Statham’s fist conflicting with someone’s face.
This must have been the best action movie Jason Statham could get his hands on between shooting Expendables 1 & 2. That’s the only reason I can think of for him to have taken this movie. Maybe he wanted to pay for a Ferrari up front and was going to use this pay check to do it? Total let down (for a Jason Statham movie).
Take a Drink: when the Brit goes (… rather tries to go) Texan
Do a Shot: when he talks about doing what he says he’s going to do
Do a Shot: every time you want the movie to end