Wednesday, October 1, 2014
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Parker (2013)

Parker (2013)

Parker (2013)

Parker (2013) DVD / Blu-ray

By: livingdeadguy (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Right, so after the movie, I said on Twitter that Statham was going to kick my ass over this review.  Quite frankly, I hope he is kicking his agent’s ass.  Parker is a movie about the people that pull off heists.  Not so much bank heists, but object heists as well (that is to say that they play no favorites in the bills vs. jewelry game).  Now I say it’s about the people who pull them off and it sounds like a show on A&E or History.  The film starts off with a group of five men- each with a specific and integral part in said heist.  Later on, Statham wants no part in future jobs and he is left for dead.  The entire movie then becomes one long and stupid storyline of him getting revenge.  Jennifer Lopez is thrown in for some reason as a love interest that does nothing particularly special and nearly all she does is get in the way.

A Toast

I picked this movie because it has Jason Freaking Statham and he has not let me down yet.  Lock Stock, Snatch, Transporter Trilogy, Crank, Expendables- you name it, he brings it.  Fight scenes are obligatory for him by now and you will not be totally let down in that respect.

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Why stray from what you’re good at?

Beer Two

Jason Statham is and plays badasses.  I’m pretty sure that’s all his resume says by now is “certified bad ass”.  What happens in this movie is that he isn’t given a back story other than being reliable and a man of his word. “I say I’ll do it and I do it” is the quote if not a paraphrase you often hear from him.  Though he obviously wins every fight in the movie…it’s not a complete ass kicking as per usual (or as it should be).

Beer Three

I suppose the intent of the movie is Statham doing a kind of covert stakeout of sorts which just looks terrible on him.  He is forced to wear a Texas accent for part of the movie (hence the cowboy hat) which was just all kinds of wrong.  And while I’m talking about voices in this beer….you know that Nick Nolte mug shot from years back with the crazy hair and Hawaiian shirt?  Well, he now sounds exactly how that picture looks.

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Would you believe he once played Hulk’s father?

Beer Four

Everything from Jennifer Lopez to the drawn out “stakeout” as I’m calling it was really not needed.  At all.  They helped the movie become a near unbearable 1 hour 58 minutes.  I liken it to Nic Cage’s Knowing in that there are maybe only a few scenes worth watching.  Unfortunately, I think there may have been more worth watching in Cage’s movie than Statham’s…but that’s mainly because no matter how much Jason Statham gets beaten up vs. an opponent, HE WILL finish the fight.

Beer Five

About J-Lo… so, so useless.  Her character brought in pointless conflict and all the conflict audiences want is Statham’s fist conflicting with someone’s face.

Verdict

awful movie, 5 Beer Movie, Movie Boozer, 5 Beers, Cheers

This must have been the best action movie Jason Statham could get his hands on between shooting Expendables 1 & 2.  That’s the only reason I can think of for him to have taken this movie.  Maybe he wanted to pay for a Ferrari up front and was going to use this pay check to do it?  Total let down (for a Jason Statham movie).

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when the Brit goes (… rather tries to go) Texan

Do a Shot: when he talks about doing what he says he’s going to do

Do a Shot: every time you want the movie to end

4 comments

  1. I too love the avtion movie of Jason….i do hope its better than you say. Although after this review i probably wont see it in the cinema…was it Jenny fron yhe blocks fault ?2

  2. You’re right. Jason Statham is badass but Parker is boring-ass. Great review. We want that 80’s style action giant but the projects don’t know how to connect.

    • To be fair, BULLET TO THE HEAD looks like more of an 80s actioner (every time I see a trailer or tv spot, it feels very JCVD or Segal, like) and that’s doing terrible at the box office….whether it IS bad is another story.

  3. It’s official! I just saw Jason Statham’s worst film. This is an incredible waste of talent behind and front of the camera. What is Michael Chiklis, Wendell Pierce and director Taylor Hackford dealing with this? Are they paying off some bills? The story is old school revenge however the script is the problem with it’s lack of energy, lame dialogue and an awful ending that is anti-exciting. I have no idea what the point of Jennifer Lopez’s character was honestly. Though Hackford does show his stylized style but I prefer something with meat on the bones or at least mindless fun. Fun, was an absent word. Parker is one of the worst films of 2013. 5 Beers and a D+ grade

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