By: WonkotheSane (Six Pack) –
When a young and inexperienced Thor watches his father Odin and his brother Baldir killed by the evil god Loki, he teams up with warrior woman Jarnsaxa to find the Hammer of Invincibility and save the universe.
Ok, let us pause for a moment so that those familiar with Norse mythology and/or Marvel Comics have time to point out everything that is incorrect about that statement…
Are you finished?
Filmmaking is similar to cooking; you have to plan ahead, and to follow through every crucial step carefully. You have to be patient, but budget your time, you have to control your kitchen, but also be open to creative accidents. Almighty Thor is the difference between a well-done steak, and a burned piece of meat. Some cooks, like some films, are meant to be appreciated, even loved…
… others serve as a more of a warning
Actor Richard Grieco (Loki) seems to have stumbled onto the set of Almighty Thor following a massive bender.
*moans* “mmmmmmh, oh look, there’s some graffiti… hey look, a hobo peeing on the street corner. Hey you, NO, please don’t stab me! Anyone else wonder why we’re shooting a film about a Thunder God in the ghetto?”
For most of the film, he is walking the streets of Los Angeles looking around at things. Occasionally he stops to shout Thor’s name mockingly, or asking for someone to give him the hammer. He sometimes points at the ground or walls and poorly-rendered monsters crawl out of them. On the rare occasion he is on the same screen as another actor, he smiles maniacally and swings his totally-not-plastic magic wand at them.
In Norse mythology, Valhalla was an enormous Mead Hall where those who died in combat go to party with Odin & the Gang.
Kool left after finding out that Valhalla never has a Ladies’ Night
Since they’re on a budget though, they just show five seconds of CGI and call it Valhalla. Instead they just go out into the woods somewhere and film actors walking around aimlessly. After that, they go to the skuzziest looking industrial park in greater LA and walk around some more. There is so much walking around in this film that I think watching it qualifies as a day’s exercise.
Thor is supposed to be a God. He is supposed to be strong of will, tough as nails, and an all around badass motherfucker. Cody Deal, who plays Thor, can be best described as the love child of Owen Wilson and Tom Cruise.
The looks and personality thereof
When we should have a defiant, powerful, arrogant, and probably stabby Thor, instead we have a whiny man-child who keeps talking about not letting fate dominate his life. Few things frighten less than an Emo God of Thunder.
Because this happened…
Well, either because that happened, or because it didn’t happen enough.
Thor with an Uzi is either the greatest thing ever invented, or the worst. Either way, I’d like to have seen more of it. If only to answer that question…
I know it is a Hollywood cliché to have the ancient warrior speak with a British accent, but that cliché exists for a reason. The American accent doesn’t have a trace of old-world Europe left in it. It denotes free-market capitalism, lawyers, guns, money and t-shirts with kittens and the American Flag on them.
*sob* I love this country
Still, the jarring truth is that these characters sound ridiculous. Thor should sound epic, booming, all-powerful, and instead he sounds like a California surfer in search of weed-brownies. Loki doesn’t fare much better. The only actor who seems to get it is Kevin Nash (Odin) who, while clearly hamming it up intentionally, benefits from his professional wrestling experience. His short time on screen leaves a much stronger impression than the ninety minutes we spend with Owen Cruise.
Few films are as truly worthy of a full Six-Pack, but this one would in all honesty requires a keg-stand.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: every time someone mentions the “Hammer of Invincibility”
Take a drink: anytime time there is a shot of someone walking, and looking around at things
Down a Shot: every time Loki shouts “Ragnarok!”