Ballistica (2009)

Ballistica (2009)
Ballistica (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Wonko the Sane (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Terrorists have stolen a chemical super-weapon, and it is up to CIA assassin Damian (Paul Logan) to save the day.  Along the way he meets up with Alexa (C.B. Spencer), a scientist determined to do sciencey things.  They join together to make America safe for people, children, puppy dogs and everything.

Truly this is the land of the Fur-ree

[Animal puns… really?  This is your final warning    -Ed]

But all is not what it seems, because in the business of international super-spying traitors are everywhere.  And soon Damian uncovers a conspiracy that threatens to tear the nation apart.

A Toast

Raise your glasses high, because this comparatively low budget flick succeeds in capturing the spirit of such quality Action films as Double Impact, SnakeEater, and Delta Force 2: the Colombian Connection. The story is familiar, the special effects economic, and the acting is wooden enough to argue for deforestation… and yet totally worth watching with a case of cold ones and a room full of friends.

Beer Two

You might be asking yourself, what exactly does Ballistica mean?  It sounds made up.  And it is totally not!  In film, actor Paul Logan says “it’s what the agency has you to learn when they want you really good at killing people.”  To summarize, Ballistica is a martial art that involves spinning in circles shooting things, occasionally combined with break dancing.  Mastery of this art results in a combination of total impervious to gunfire, (from faceless henchmen) and the complete inability to shoot a character important to the plot.  Now you might be saying to yourself “This seems too far-fetched!”

At least Ballistica doesn’t break the laws of physics

Beer three

It appears that the Russian and Chinese Army purchase their clothes from the Gap.  Russian uniforms consist of a black long-sleeved shirt and dark colored pants, plus a ski-mask which ensures that you can barely tell they use the same four extras for each scene.  Chinese uniforms are green long-sleeved shirts with green pants, and a little red star sewn on wherever prudent.

dick, slap!

Beer Four

Ballistica Logic:

1.  “Science Science Science… In short, this bomb kills everything”

2.  “The real bomb is in America now”

“How do you know?”

“Cause we’re looking for it in China”

3.  Budget cuts abound, the CIA has decided to rent UPS trucks for their special operation.

4.  A Lincoln Continental is a suitable vehicle for high-speed pursuit of a Ford Mustang.

5.  When the plot dictates it to be most convenient, the car explodes and flips upside down and then bears no visible burn scars whatsoever.  At least until the special effects guys remember to dub in flames

6.  Chemical Weapons can be easily confused for mall ashtrays with an alarm clock glued to it

7.  Annnnd apparently the NSA is made up of porn stars… I like this turn of events.

Beer Five

Paul Logan is an action hero destined to be compared to Jean Claude Van Damme.  He carries the film well by playing a competent badass.  And while he doesn’t always read lines very smoothly, it feels clear that he is just moments away from flipping out and stabbing someone at any time.  He makes Lorenzo Lamas bow his head in shame, and Chuck Norris feel envious.  He’s tough, cut like a diamond saw, is outfitted with various whips, chains and a sexual appetite that will knock your socks off. Paul Logan has satisfied women throughout the world, and the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln!

Verdict

While it may only require five beers to reach full enjoyment, MovieBoozer’s format does not prevent me from recommending a pull or two… or five, from a bottle of your favorite spirits.

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Paul Logan shows off his “Ballistica” skills

Take a Drink: anytime someone speaks in English with a bad foreign accent

Down a Shot: in memory of Chinese Laura Croft, who is killed off as quickly as she appears

My god… it’s full of stars!

Chug a Beer: for every inevitable plot twist

 

About Wonkothesane

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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