By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Five Beers) –
Mr. and Mrs. Green cannot have children, they are resigned to this fact. And as if to purge themselves of the need, they spend an evening drinking and writing down all the traits they wanted so badly to see in their son who can never be. They put these thoughts into a wooden box, and bury it in the garden in the back yard. Following a powerful storm that night, a muddy and naked child with leaves growing on his legs shows up in their house. A child with all the traits they wrote down… along with a human child-sized hole in the garden.
It takes approximately 2 minutes for these supposedly intelligent adults to deduce that “magic” has happened. I have to give them credit, if I saw a child with leaves growing out of his body I wouldn’t take it so easily.
Bitch, get some Roundup.
They do manage to conceal Timothy’s Ent-like appearance with a pair of knee-socks, thus setting the stage for the obligatory “being different is special” moral. But I’m far more concerned with the way the people in town take the sudden appearance of a 10-year old child in the household of a couple who not only can’t have kids, but have also not gone through the adoption process yet. I mean, as far as any of these rational adults should know, they bought Timothy on the Black Market, or perhaps even kidnapped him. Nobody asks any follow-up questions upon hearing their extraordinarily thin excuses.
I guess it worked for other movies…
And then there is the thin side-plot of the pencil factory closing, which ***Spoilers*** is miraculously saved when Mr. and Mrs. Green invent a new kind of pencil made from dead leaves. I can’t help but wonder how this is going to revolutionize the pencil industry, much less turn the failing business around. Such a new innovation would surely take time to catch on, and the film makes it clear that the corporate stooges of the pencil company aren’t exactly concerned about much more than short-term gains.
I find this late-summer Disney Melodrama highly illogical
And what of Timothy himself you ask? Well, there are few things I find as pant-soilingly terrifying as a child who is too “good”. Something is just not right about a kid who doesn’t express his emotions other than with a black stare or mild amusement. Even when bullied, Timothy just stands there and takes it. Throughout the film, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this was just a horror movie re-cut into an inspirational family picture.
Hey, it’s not like it hasn’t been done before…
***Spoilers*** Timothy disappears at the end, in a moment that is supposed to be poignant. But the next scene is that of the Greens adopting a child. Let me ask the question, if the whole town knows this kid is around, what exactly are they going to think when they ask about Timothy and Mr. Green says “oh, he… went away…”? Short answer; they definitely aren’t getting to adopt. Long answer; They will think the Greens kidnapped and brutally murdered Timothy, leaving him in a dumpster somewhere near the Pencil factory. (In all seriousness though, that would make a far more interesting movie) Ultimately what we are left with is a paint-by-numbers PG-Rated movie that goes with your best sweater and the rest of your be-cardiganed family as you play Scrabble on a Sunday afternoon.
But really, is all of this neccesary?
No, it isn’t…
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: whenever they bring up pencils
Take a Drink: when Timothy loses a leaf
Drink a Shot: when Ron Livingston is a dick