Mr. Popper’s Penguins (2011)

Mr. Popper's Penguins (2011)
Mr. Popper's Penguins (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst von Berauscht (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Mr. Popper is an up and coming corporate real estate executive for a major New York firm.  He is married to his job, and as such becomes divorced from his wife and estranged from his son and daughter.  But one day a penguin arrives in the mail, his only inheritance from his late father.  For some reason animal control doesn’t do flightless birds and leaves him in a really STICKY SITUATION. LOL!

Through a series of absolutely HILARIOUS coincidences, he winds up with five more penguins and his children take to the little birds.  Meaning he has to turn his apartment into a Penguin terrarium, because there is no other possible way out of this.  ZOMGZ!!!  And of course his ex-wife has absolutely no problem with her children hanging around a truly irresponsible person.

Their mother?

A Toast

This film does have a certain amount of heart to it, the kind that you’ll find in the chest of a semi-imbecilic mouth breather, but heart nonetheless.  In fact, this is pretty much the only positive thing I can say about this movie, that it has moments clearly designed to tug at you and make you say “awwwww”.

Beer Two

Jim Carrey seems like a shell of his former self; his lines are neither funny nor delivered in a humorous fashion.  At one point in time a few years ago it seemed like he was poised to be performing in serious dramas and cleverly written comedies. And certainly things have gotten better for him since the days of Rubber Face.

We didn’t listen to the warnings…

The truth is, low brow is just Carrey’s bread and butter, and no matter how many Truman Show’s or I Love You, Philip Morris’s he makes, he will always go back to paycheck city.  At least he used to choose decent scripts to go along with his more mainstream films.  Liar, Liar for instance was a family comedy that managed to at least do something original with its concept, instead in this film we’re stuck with:

Beer Three

Shit jokes, lots of shit and fart jokes.

Beer Four

The film’s main antagonist is a zookeeper who is actually right; pretty much about everything.  Keeping penguins in your apartment, especially one in which you aren’t even supposed to have pets, is a decision which Mr. Popper makes for no reason other than he wants his kids to like him.  The animals would be far better off in either a Zoo or back home in their natural habitat.  Of course they give him a third act “evil” personality turn just to simplify the problem, thus dumbing down an already fatally flawed movie.

Beer Five

This one goes out to the makers of the movie, for relieving me of my $7.25.  This is exactly the type of milquetoast bullshit that needs to be stopped.  Our children’s future depends on it.

Eat shit and die

Verdict

Needs to be frozen and smashed into tiny particles

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every use of the same looped fart sound effect

Down a Beer: for every moment of pure derp

 

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

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