Monster (2008)

By: Jake Peroni (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Sarah Lieving and Erin Evans play sisters, ironically named Erin and Sarah Lynch. Although I can’t be sure which one played Erin and which one played Sarah, but what I do know is that it is irrelevant on so many levels.

The Lynch sisters travel to Jolly Old Japan to film a boring documentary on global warming. The audience rapidly understands these two clamshells are in way over their head… even well before the giant tentacle monster destroys the city, they seem to be carrying a heavy workload asking simple questions and setting up shots to remove shoulders, etc… Japan was lucky the monster came out, otherwise these two could’ve actually made this documentary between their sisterly babble.

Proof-of-global-warming

It was during the first question of their first interview with some Japanese stiff, (why keep the suspense going right?), an apparent “earthquake” rocks the city. The ruckus of the “earthquake” (including thunderous roars) sends the sisters scrambling to the basement.

There they slowly piece together that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t an earthquake. In part thanks to an overly friendly date rapisty American man resembling Michael Douglas in Falling Down, except he couldn’t act to a room full of deaf dogs.

The three flee the basement; luckily instead of murdering and raping the sisters the man decides to lug around their camera and film them. That is until he dies by some wind or something we never see because the camera cuts to black in this film more than Aaron Hernandez security footage.

cage

As it turns out, Japan has a secret monster that no other country knew about, yet every citizen seemed to know what was happening. Some go so far as to blame the girls for waking the monster with their inquisitive global warming research. Damn Asian secrets. If Japan had an Edward Snowden then we would’ve all known of this monster years ago.

snowden

“I’d rather live on the run than read one more email where some douchebag refers to himself as Da Bomb”

Anyway, they run around and the audience sticks around to catch a glimpse of how bad the CGI will be on this monster, but soon enough everyone is rooting for the girls to get eaten just so it can end. Then, after all the build up… nothing. A giant CGI tentacle with no shot of the actual monster. Sigh.

sisters

Well, what did you expect?

A Toast

“I saw something”

“Don’t say anything, who knows what their culture thinks is acceptable.”

I am actually a fan of the “found footage” genre of filmaking. Blair Witch was one of the most original and creatively haunting horror movies I have ever seen, (Back when it was released at least) I enjoyed how JJ Abrams handled Cloverfield, and was hoping this movie was something at least a smidgin like it. I was actually excited to see a B movie version of this genre.

Nope.

So what’s good about this movie?

This one cleavage scene…

cleve

OK admit it, you tilted your head.

Beer Two

In Cloverfield, JJ Abrams revealed the monster early in the film. It immediately disarmed any residing disappointment due to a climactic buildup. This entire movie seems to be the buildup for the big reveal… THAT NEVER HAPPENS. How do they not show the giant monster?! Just a big tentacle. The entire audience is watching this movie to see a monster. They even named the movie after it! Should’ve just called it “Blue Balls, the Movie”

blueballs

Beer Three

Despite the shakey handheld camera and piss poor CGI, at least this film had outstanding sound.  OH WAIT, no it didn’t, it was unbearably awful. I could barely hear the shitty dialogue over the constant looping audio of cars honking and wind. I get they were aiming for a realistic feel, but come on, did they record this movie with an iPhone? If you threw on closed captioning there would be just a bunch of question marks followed by a spelled out “cars honking”, then eventually a message across the screen, “trust me guy, this is the one movie you should be glad you’re deaf”

Beer Four

So what I take from this one is that Japanese people love honking their horns, and are either nice to Americans, or blame them for the monsters that destroy Tokyo. Why am I still watching this? The booby factor isn’t even a possibility in this movie, one of the sisters is even wearing a sweater! Then, FINALLY she takes off the sweater. Not that it’s a pervy thing, it just seems she should be more comfortable making this bomb of a movie.

Beer Five

I’m starting to think the original boring documentary on global warming would’ve been more successful than this. Imagine a documentary with two chicks that have no idea what they are talking about? GOLD. Go ahead and let your mind wander a bit during this; no worries, luckily one of the two girls will recap the entire movie and summarize the changing plot every fifteen minutes, every time they stop running.

Beer Six

I realize that no-one goes into a B movie expecting an Oscar performance. The audience WANTS a horrid script, and low budget gore and effects. Creative film-making with a limited budget. NOT CGI MONSTERS. That’s like cheating at your own game. A guy in a paper mache costume would’ve worked over this CGI tentacle.

robotmonster5

Even this would’ve been a better monster!

Verdict

6beers

At one point a sister says, “This sucks” (at least I think she said that under the disruptive wind on their iPhone camera) and I couldn’t tell if it was in the script or if she even knew the camera was on.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time the screen fades to black or cuts out. (Good luck! should end the game here.)

Take a Drink: every time the camera malfunctions

Take a Drink: every time one of the sisters complains about the camera or explains why they are still carrying it.

Down a Shot: every time a strange street doctor sprinkles cocaine on a wound and makes a sister climax.

About Jake Peroni

Bestselling Author, Distinguished Film Critic, Cutting Edge Journalist, Respected Reporter, Successful Businessman... Big Fat Sh*tty Liar. Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

One comment

  1. Some quality, quality one-liners in this one. Aaron Hernandez indeed…

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