By: Jenna Zine (Six Pack) –
Contains spoilers, but you’ll be too drunk to care. This campy flick dares to ask the age-old question, “What happens when a Mega Shark meets an ancient dinosaur/crocodile mix?” There are two leading men: Jaleel White (yep, Steve Urkel) heads the Mega Shark division, while Gary Stretch (picture a Pierce Brosnan doppelganger) leads Team Crocosaurus. The Syfy Channel “movies” have distinguished themselves as a friendly home to 80’s icons and awesome monsters alike. Bonus chugs if you can tell one from the other!
The film opens in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, digging for blood diamonds! Suddenly there’s a rumble… what could it be? If you guessed a giant croc, you’d be correct!
Meanwhile, in Mega Shark Land, we meet Dr. McCormick [aka Urkel]. The doctor experiments with sharks and sonic sound. What could possibly go wrong? All I know is that our hero needs to get his “hydroponic spears in the water.” His words, not mine – but it sure sounds kinky!
You can run, but you can’t hide Jaleel White!
Back in the Congo…. Nigel Putman (aka Gary Stretch/faux Pierce Brosnan) kills a wild boar. Suddenly a blond in high heels stumbles into his tent. I always wear heels while in the Congo! She wants to hire the rugged explorer – good thing she wore her LBD (Little Black Dress). The giant croc suddenly masticates the lady, which is kinda surprising. Normally hot chicks get to stay around longer.
How Pierce ships a giant croc is beyond me. But ship he does, for the croc shows up on a dock. He’s transporting the tranquilized beast to the ocean, naturally. Wow, what a surprise – Mega Shark immediately gets wind of the rotting, tranquilized Crocosaurus. Sharks and meat? What’s going to happen?!
A new character, Admiral Calvin, is desperate to smoke a cigar. Jesus, this movie is phallic. Meanwhile, the croc plotline thickens. Finally, shark and croc forces are united, thanks to a brassy bitch that goes by the name Special Agent Hutchinson, Secret Service. She lets Putman (aka Pierce) know “smelly, middle-aged children” are not her type. It’s the snap heard ‘round the world!
Finally, Urkel and Pierce are joined on the Navy’s ship. Admiral Calvin (who looks like Scott Adsit from 30 Rock) sends Urkel and Pierce to ascertain whether mysterious eggs are from a shark or croc. Umm, is it just me or wouldn’t even an untrained civilian be able to tell the difference?
It turns out Urkel and Pierce have a past, though I have no idea why they’re so angry at each other. Hey, it’s beer five. I’m gonna have a hard time picking my own mom out of a lineup soon.
By the way, don’t even think you can blow up a shark with a torpedo. It will spit it out. Meanwhile, the giant croc is heading for Miami. Typecasting! Hmm, suddenly the giant croc is in Orlando, at Sea World. It must be lunchtime.
Finally it’s time for the Battle Royale! The shark and croc are fighting like siblings over the last piece of pizza.
It’s a Battle Royale pizza fight!
Holy nuclear explosion, Bat Man! The creatures are toast. Agent Hot Pants (aka Hutchinson] demands a whiskey and Admiral Calvin finally gets to smoke his cigar, on a submarine no less.
Final words of the film? “What a croc!” Seriously.
If you love your cheese creamy, with no basis in reality, this is the film for you!
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Mega Shark leaps over a ship.
Take a Drink: every time Crocosaurus bats something with its tail.
Chug a Beer: every time you rub your eyes and think, “Seriously, is that Pierce Brosnan?”
Take a Shot: every time you see Dr. McCormick and think “Urkel!”