Max is Missing (1995)

MaxIsMissing-PosterArtBy: Henry J. Fromage (Four Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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As some of you may know, I lived in deepest, darkest Peru for a couple of years (which is where SG2 and I actually came up with the idea of the whole site).

paddingtongetstanked

Doing Ayahuasca with Paddington Bear, but that’s a story for another time…

Anyway, our compatriot Tom gave me a heads up on a flick he hunted down on the fertile plains of 1 a.m. Cinemax, which, as he described it, “takes place in Peru, has a Mexican masquerading as a Peruvian and includes an ending with an Inca stand at Sasquawayman.”  Good enough of a synopsis for me.

A Toast

Lest that description make it sound too interesting, know that this is absolutely a mid-90s Hallmark Channel-type of flick.  The joy in it, besides the pretty decent photography and Victor Rojas’s surprising (still Mexican) performance, is when it subverts that label.

This flick is surprisingly violent, and has a real mean streak largely due to Charles Napier’s delightfully sadistic performance as the main villain.  He delivers lines like “I’ll rip your liver out and feed it to ya… and I know you don’t like liver” like he means ’em, to children no less.  It’s awesome.

napierrambo

Every movie is Rambo First Blood, Part II to Charles Napier

Beer Two

Wooden, WASP-y actors… check.  Slumming older actor antagonist… check.  Goofy henchman… check.  Plot exposition completely done via dialogue… check.  Yep… Hallmark all the way.

Beer Three

Whiteboy Spanish… so much Whiteboy Spanish.  Admittedly, my Spanish isn’t perfect, but… pucha, it’s painful listening to Guy Whitey Corngood mangle the language.  Thankfully all of the locals are fluent in English…

Beer Four

These are the worst parents/parental figures in history.  “Daddy… I just saw a man die.”  “Oh, he probably just fell.”  “Your son’s not on the train!” “Eh, he’s probably in another train car or something.”

handshake

Like most real stories, the true villain is the blandest, most clean-cut guy white guy

Verdict

zzz4beers

Surprisingly good for a Hallmark Channel flick.  Take that as you will.  Que viva Peru!

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: Llamas!

Take a Drink: every time Max’s dad is a horrible parent

Take a Drink: Goooodbyeeee!

Take a Drink: Inca Kola!

Do a Shot: Noooo! Not the Gameboy!

Do a Shot: “Como se llama, Llama?”

Do a Shot: If you immediately knew where they were going with that “sexy woman” thing.  Oh, and welcome back from your tour!

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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