By: Henry J. Fromage (Four Beers) –
As some of you may know, I lived in deepest, darkest Peru for a couple of years (which is where SG2 and I actually came up with the idea of the whole site).
Doing Ayahuasca with Paddington Bear, but that’s a story for another time…
Anyway, our compatriot Tom gave me a heads up on a flick he hunted down on the fertile plains of 1 a.m. Cinemax, which, as he described it, “takes place in Peru, has a Mexican masquerading as a Peruvian and includes an ending with an Inca stand at Sasquawayman.” Good enough of a synopsis for me.
Lest that description make it sound too interesting, know that this is absolutely a mid-90s Hallmark Channel-type of flick. The joy in it, besides the pretty decent photography and Victor Rojas’s surprising (still Mexican) performance, is when it subverts that label.
This flick is surprisingly violent, and has a real mean streak largely due to Charles Napier’s delightfully sadistic performance as the main villain. He delivers lines like “I’ll rip your liver out and feed it to ya… and I know you don’t like liver” like he means ’em, to children no less. It’s awesome.
Every movie is Rambo First Blood, Part II to Charles Napier
Wooden, WASP-y actors… check. Slumming older actor antagonist… check. Goofy henchman… check. Plot exposition completely done via dialogue… check. Yep… Hallmark all the way.
Whiteboy Spanish… so much Whiteboy Spanish. Admittedly, my Spanish isn’t perfect, but… pucha, it’s painful listening to Guy Whitey Corngood mangle the language. Thankfully all of the locals are fluent in English…
These are the worst parents/parental figures in history. “Daddy… I just saw a man die.” “Oh, he probably just fell.” “Your son’s not on the train!” “Eh, he’s probably in another train car or something.”
Like most real stories, the true villain is the blandest, most clean-cut guy white guy
Surprisingly good for a Hallmark Channel flick. Take that as you will. Que viva Peru!
Take a Drink: Llamas!
Take a Drink: every time Max’s dad is a horrible parent
Take a Drink: Goooodbyeeee!
Take a Drink: Inca Kola!
Do a Shot: Noooo! Not the Gameboy!
Do a Shot: “Como se llama, Llama?”
Do a Shot: If you immediately knew where they were going with that “sexy woman” thing. Oh, and welcome back from your tour!