By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) –
Sean Anderson is a teenager with a gift for classics. He has a seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of Jules Verne, a spirit for adventure, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for a step-father. One night he breaks into a satellite research facility and is caught by the police. Sean is obsessed with finding his grandfather who disappeared two years previous, and has become convinced that he is sending signals to him from the Mysterious Island of Verne’s novel. While luckily avoiding charges for the crime Sean is unrepentant, and continues to disrespect “The Rock”… in other words, he is is a problem-child.
Not this problem child… sadly
Well… yeah… so… This is based off of Jules Verne fiction… so that… is… good?
Josh Hutcherson’s performances as Sean is the single biggest asshole in recent film history. He treats people like crap, and takes his frustrations out on well-meaning people. And when he takes charge and makes decisions, they inevitably lead people to uncertain and dangerous situations. Worse yet, the only lessons he learns in the movie are that if you bitch long enough, your parents will do what you want.
Nice job dick.
The leaps of logic which guide the Anderson family to finding the island are so great as to defy all rational thought. It is hard to explain, but in a span of about five minutes they figure out that Jonathan Swift, Robert Louis Stephenson, and Jules Verne visited the same island, and apparently each collaborated on drawing a map that only worked if all three portions are put together. Of course, Gulliver’s Travels was written more than 100 years before Treasure Island and Mysterious Island. And with the thousands of versions of each of these books being printed and reprinted, the Andersons happen to own copies of each with maps that are scaled accurately to match together.
The bee-riding sequence is… special to say the least.
The Nautilus, for all its technological awesomeness, is still made of metal. And somehow it managed to survive completely rust-free and in workable condition for over 100 years. Also noteworthy is the fact that both The Rock and Luis Guzman managed to learn how to drive it immediately.
There is a possibility that this movie could have had some potential, but not at 93 minutes long. The movie never gives you a chance to glory at the surroundings of the island, nor to get to know characters beyond basic lame-ass stereotypes.
The only mystery is why this got greenlit.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: when you see a giant insect
Take a Drink: when Luis Guzman gets into trouble
Drink a Shot: when the Rock pops his pecs