Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012)

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012)
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Sean Anderson is a teenager with a gift for classics.  He has a seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of Jules Verne, a spirit for adventure, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson for a step-father.  One night he breaks into a satellite research facility and is caught by the police.  Sean is obsessed with finding his grandfather who disappeared two years previous, and has become convinced that he is sending signals to him from the Mysterious Island of Verne’s novel.  While luckily avoiding charges for the crime Sean is unrepentant, and continues to disrespect “The Rock”… in other words, he is is a problem-child.

Not this problem child… sadly

A Toast

Well… yeah… so…  This is based off of Jules Verne fiction… so that… is… good?

Beer Two

Josh Hutcherson’s performances as Sean is the single biggest asshole in recent film history.  He treats people like crap, and takes his frustrations out on well-meaning people.  And when he takes charge and makes decisions, they inevitably lead people to uncertain and dangerous situations.  Worse yet, the only lessons he learns  in the movie are that if you bitch long enough, your parents will do what you want.

Nice job dick.

Beer Three

The leaps of logic which guide the Anderson family to finding the island are so great as to defy all rational thought.  It is hard to explain, but in a span of about five minutes they figure out that Jonathan Swift, Robert Louis Stephenson, and Jules Verne visited the same island, and apparently each collaborated on drawing a map that only worked if all three portions are put together.  Of course, Gulliver’s Travels was written more than 100 years before Treasure Island and Mysterious Island.  And with the thousands of versions of each of these books being printed and reprinted, the Andersons happen to own copies of each with maps that are scaled accurately to match together.

Beer Four

The bee-riding sequence is… special to say the least.

Um…

Yeah…

Beer Five

The Nautilus, for all its technological awesomeness, is still made of metal.  And somehow it managed to survive completely rust-free and in workable condition for over 100 years.  Also noteworthy is the fact that both The Rock and Luis Guzman managed to learn how to drive it immediately.

Beer Six

There is a possibility that this movie could have had some potential, but not at 93 minutes long.  The movie never gives you a chance to glory at the surroundings of the island, nor to get to know characters beyond basic lame-ass stereotypes.

Verdict

The only mystery is why this got greenlit.

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when you see a giant insect

Take a Drink: when Luis Guzman gets into trouble

Drink a Shot: when the Rock pops his pecs

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

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