By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
We recently got a fan request for the Syfy “original” movie Jersey Shore Shark Attack, which is a title tailor-made for drinking. The question was… how much drinking?
The answer: a lot.
I’d write a plot synopsis, but we’ll get to the stupidities of that later. What you need to know: MTV’s Jersey Shore meets Jaws 2, Megalodon, or some such shite shark spectacle.
This is a title that tells you exactly what you’re getting into. I guess I have to give some props to the, well, props, which use practical gore effects over CGI (most of the time). Also, Joey Fatone gets eaten by a shark.
Syfy is pretty much just trolling now. Maybe at the beginning, movies like Sharktopus had that special spark of earnestness that makes “so bad they’re good” flicks like The Room and Birdemic true classics. Now it’s pure, lazy calculation, and it shows.
Populating a Jersey Shore “satire” with characters like “The Complication” and “Nooki” is Friedberg/Seltzer-level stuff. The Jersey Shore porn flick (Yes, it exists. No, I can’t explain how I know that) is a more effective parody. This is such uninspired drivel that it actually makes you appreciate how the real Jersey Shore could be so, so much worse. I went and watched an episode after this just to cleanse my palate.
I… I appreciate you now
This movie’s already going to be crap, so why not outsource your special effects to that Vietnamese sfx workshop? Surely their tiny, clever child fingers can handle 3-D rendering as well as Nike stitching.
This is pretty good, considering none of them have ever seen a shark
Perhaps they also gave the same kids a shot behind the camera, because that would make the daytime soap opera-level lighting and camerawork acceptable. Coming from any so-called professional, though, much less so…
For a movie where arguably a plot is completely unnecessary, the screenwriters sure went out of their way to shoehorn as much cliché as possible into the script. There’s no reason I can see to have a rich prepsters vs. JerseyShore townies conflict, or a corrupt developer subplot. I’m surprised the climax wasn’t a big dance-off to raise money to save the shore from getting turned into a shark-themed country club.
Paulie D. could DJ
Is Joey Fatone really some sort of guido icon? Would Ronnie and Mike really get as excited as a 12 year old girl at the prospect of a Joey Fatone concert? Really? Also, what kind of wet t-shirt contest involves swim tops underneath? Kinda defeats the purpose. These are the things that keep me awake at night…
The Syfy Channel has figured out that ratings success is as simple as coming up with a title, then expending as little effort as possible to turn it into a movie. If you want to make an hour and a half to magically feel like three and a half… voila!
Take a Drink: for every bizarrely bloody gore effect
Take a Drink: every time you spot a Jersey Shore TV show reference
Now Take Another: for being able to spot a Jersey Shore TV show reference
Do a Shot: every time you see poor, poor Tony Sirico. He was on The Sopranos, for fuck’s sake
Do a Shot: whenever you see “reporter” Vinnie. Now that seems career-appropriate.