3 Musketeers (2011)

3 Musketeers (2011)
3 Musketeers (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Wonko The Sane (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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A nefarious plan has been hatched by U.S. officials who decide to kill the President and pin it on the North Koreans. These traitors have infiltrated all branches of government and are determined to start a new world war.  Agent Alexandra D’Artagnan (Heather Hemmens) discovers the plot and joins forces with three operatives of a secret special forces unit codenamed “Musketeers”, in order to save the day.

A Toast

What endears me so much to The Asylum is that they create the same kind of entertaining guilty-pleasure schlock that you see from major hollywood studios, but for less than a tenth of the budget and only an eighth of the shame.  The Release of 3 Musketeers of course coincides with the theatrical release of the latest reboot of Dumas’ classic story.  And while Hollywood’s mainstream has seen fit to give the 1700’s a somewhat ridiculous makeover…

(I can’t wait to see Paul W.S. Anderson’s steampunk reimagining of Wuthering Heights)

…by contrast, The Asylum chose to modernize their version entirely, (after all, period costumes aren’t cheap) turning their little film into a brilliantly snarky commentary on its expensive counterpart.  I hope this was intentional, because if so it means The Asylum’s business plan is built almost entirely on irony.  I have to say that I find that both fascinating, and fantastic.

Beer Two

Earlier this year I reviewed Ballistica, an action film which tested the theory that China and Russia seem to have built their nuclear facilities in the same complex.  It appears the North Koreans have taken it over now.  At what point does shooting every action movie in the same Los Angeles area industrial park stop being a studio’s trademark and start being repetitive?

Beer Three

I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the story was re-tooled from an already-existing action film script into one that followed the “Three Musketeers” concept.  Every line that is taken from the classic book feels obviously shoe-horned int0 a modern setting.

But more Uh-Merkin…

Beer Four

The CGI special effects in 3 Musketeers are awesome.  No, they aren’t good by today’s standards, but they do make me all nostalgic for Command and Conquer: Red Alert.

Which was nothing if not Fucking Hardcore.

Beer Five

Wow… sorry to harp on the Command and Conquer angle again, but come to think of it the acting is about as good in 3 Musketeers as the game’s cut-scenes.

Beer Six

One of the Musketeers is an Ipad-toting nerd character who seems to have a killer “hacking” program.  I wonder how much that went for in the app store?

Verdict

Make it a double!

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time they say “all for one and one for all”

Take a Drink:  whenever the hacker takes command of a complex computer system instantly.

Down a Shot: whenever the DC area looks nothing like Southern Cali

About Wonkothesane

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

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