Heleno (2011)

Heleno (2011)
Heleno (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Joel Olivo (Four Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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We sit (or stand vomiting profusely depending on your understanding of fly behavior.) a mere fly on the wall through the life of the world’s first soccer superstar, Heleno de Freitas. Before Pele,  soccer superstars, the world bore witness to Heleno, The women wanted him, the men wanted to be him and everyone wanted to talk about him.

A Toast

Some of my favorite movies are in black and white, but simply put, technology has added color into our movie viewing experiences for better or for worse. Attempts to reimagine black and white cinematic experiences are often lackluster. That being said Heleno provides a rich and cinematic black and white experience.

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“Why won’t you love me?”

Beer Two

We are treated to a menagerie of sex, drugs, and violence with a subtle grace that only the pre-50’s Era could bring us. Hearing womanizing and self-loathing in Portuguese was a joy and much more immersive than I initially anticipated. Lets face it, everything sounds more intense in a foreign language, even hello.  If Mad Men’s Don Draper threw in the occasional Portuguese rant, we’d love him all the more for it.  At times it felt like I was watching a less historically accurate (Mad Men is set in the 60’s, while Heleno’s biopic runs until about 1939) episode of Mad Men that was translated and rebroadcast in black and white on Univision in Brazil.

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That being said they both look pretty badass in those suits. ..

Beer Three

I can only sum up beer three with the following statement “ Damn boy, dat ether.”

We get it no one loves the game more than you….

We get it you have VD…..

We get it you’re sad and manage to push everyone else away from you…..

And that ether is your only friend.

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“GEEEOOOOODDDDDD I LOOOOOVEEE THAAAAT EEETHEEEERRRRRR!!!!!”

Beer Four

….. This thing runs for over 2 hours? Hey, Heleno can I borrow some of that Ether?

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“Não”

Verdict

4Beers

The movie by no means was terrible. I found myself enjoying this tragic depiction of a man who inevitably failed because of himself, but felt that the movie failed because of itself… or its editors, rather.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Heleno’s problems are solved by huffing ether.

Do a Shot: every time the movie makes you feel like smoking a cigarette.

Make and Old-Timey Drink: every time you think of Don Draper throughout this movie.

About Joel Olivo

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

One comment

  1. Sounds fairly intriguing, at least to drink to, and I love those picture jokes!

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