By: Julio De Francisco (Six Pack) –
Hugh, Mark and Dan don’t quite fit in, get respect, or feel wanted until they meet Rick O’Leary, a heavyweight in the world of observational ball-breaking whose Bostonian accent amplifies an obnoxiousness that can cause any virgin-eared boy to have an emotional concussion. A trip to the bars sort of turns into a trip to Montreal, until they meet Gunther, the Seventh Son of the Seventh Son, a “magic-core” singing Satanist who wants to use Dan’s semen to create the anti-christ with his sister, Anna (Melinda Chadbourne). Heavy Times calls for drastic measures and copious amounts of beer. Get yourself a sixer and ready yourself to get fucked up.
I raise my first glass of beer to the relief I felt upon viewing the closing credits for this movie. The last time I felt such a weight lift off my shoulders was when Maury Povich told me I was not the father. Heavy Times is about a trio of friends Hugh (Jay Brunner), Mark (Adam Lauver), and Dan (Brian D. Evans) who unwillingly go on a road trip with Rick O’Leary (Jeff Koen), a foulmouthed vulgar and deeply disturbed individual. Heavy Times kidnaps, berates, and rapes you much like that psychotic drunkard from down the street, the one your mother warned you about but you went over to his house anyways because he offered you candy and sex.
It’s going to be a good time, boys! Drink up! Uncle Rick knows best!
Heavy Times is like a dark beer, you need to acquire the taste to appreciate the film. It also helps if you have patience. If you don’t, the series of beers that will enhance your experience watching it will only get better.
You’re more likely to get a beer than to get a plot while watching Heavy Times. Trust me, the moment you finish your first beer, chug the second. You need to get fucked up and quick. At first it seems like the movie is about the “three faggots,” as Rick would put it; each with their own seemingly intricate story arc. You half expect each of them to have something to accomplish or change them by the end of the film. Unfortunately that never manifests, which is a big let down. From the moment Rick O’Leary appears on the screen, you’re taken hostage. The only twist in the film has to do with Gunther (Keaton Farmer), Mark’s roommate from college, the aforementioned Satanist wanting to produce the Anti-Christ.
Of course, when there is no plot, some tits will help you forget it matters.
The important person, Mark fucking Roberts’ monologue… I-eye-eyeyeyyeeyeye needed to be chugging a beer throughout this entire scene.
“We’re all going to get stabbed with the toothbrush, sooner or later” – Gunther
Mark fucking Roberts put on a Razzie-worthy performance that is deserving of an immediate keg-stand. The scene is supposed to be profound, while he reflects on his life, but it is not. All the while, Dan just sits there and does nothing but stare. This scene might have been better if Dan was completely cut out of the scene instead of sitting there. The scene is truly about Gunther and Mark, who are buddies from college who listened to a lot of “magic-core” and fully appreciate each other’s words.
The rap battle scene between Hugh Siemen and the frat boy was hard to watch. I realize now that Hugh a direct descendant of Michael Bolton from Office Space.
“Unnnnnnnnn… what… here we go here we go, yo yo!”
It’s okay for white boys to rap, Eminem has proved that if you have talent, don’t hide it. Unfortunately, there are white boys and adults who secretly love rap and harbor this secret from their friends and family. Unlike Michael Bolton, who remains a closeted R&B loving artist, Hugh proves that he can roll with the punches. Unfortunately he never puts up a fight and is kind of a drag to see on the screen. But after a few beers, you do see Jeff Foxworthy and Harry Potter’s love child. PSA: I support white boys who rap and encourage you all to come out of your R&B closets.
Dan trying to pick up Rachel at the party in the opening scene was a little desperate. But that’s not the problem. The problem was that the scene seemed improvised and not scripted. There seems to be a lack of direction in where the next scene will go. Nothing a little slow motion dancing and some hip hop music at a party can’t solve. While it seems like Dan was a central character to this whole movie, I felt he was under-utilized or not necessary (read Beer Three).
When I beat my chest and try to lick my ear I look like a …
You may be too drunk to care at this point, but the film has a number of technical errors for which I’ll recommend taking a drink every time you spot one. For example, when Hugh and Mark pick up Dan who is working as a human sign, it’s clear that the scene was filmed at sunset or sunrise. Hugh tells Dan they’re going swimming and they drive to a lake. While walking through a pasture the sky is blue.
In addition, some scenes weren’t lit enough or there would be prolonged scenes of dialogue in the van where the over the shoulder camera angles didn’t make me feel as involved with the conversation. The benefit of the doubt argument is that the camera angle was the viewpoint of anyone sitting in the backseat. But, the lengthened close-ups of the back of the passenger’s or driver’s neck just gave me the magical powers of Mr. Hindsight.
If you are the type who turns the channel when Anderson Cooper warns you that the images you’re about to see are graphic, then Heavy Times is not for you. The first time I watched this movie I couldn’t believe what I heard and saw. I soon found myself thinking about huge boxes, double tipped dildos, and Chevy Chase and their practical uses in today’s world. Exploiting insecurities, a gift for two bottoms, and wishing for another classic like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
If you loved Band Santa, you’ll enjoy Heavy Times. This film is for your ball-breaking beer guzzling dark-humor loving movie viewer. While Heavy Times has technical, acting and directional flaws, it is made up with memorable quotes that you could find yourself using with your friends.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: anytime Rick O’Leary makes a homophobic comment.
Take a drink: anytime there’s an awkward moment (say “awkward” out loud before you drink).
Take a drink: anytime a plastic beer cup comes to someone’s lips.
Take a shot: when you see a woman’s nipple.
Chug a beer: when Rick O’Leary chugs a beer.
Take a drink: every time you heard the word “fuck” (provided by Heavy Times)