By: Wonko The Sane (Four Beers) –
In case you hadn’t heard, there are two versions of the “Snow White” fairy tale being released in 2012, one is a comedy with wise-cracking short people and visual splendor, the other has Thor. Regardless of how either film is destined to be seen by critics, the material in the trailers alone indicate a great deal of money backing them. If you’re going to remake a story that is so well known, you have to put everything you have into making it feel fresh. Give it an Oscar-caliber cast, or millions of dollars for special effects. After all you’ve got to have standards right?
Did I mention there is a third “Snow White” movie coming out this year?
Enter The Asylum, a film studio whose standards of quality are (presumably) lauded in the industry. And in Grimm’s Snow White they prove that they can make a film for tens of dollars look like it was shot for a couple hundred.
I tend to give The Asylum a lot of credit; while they haven’t exactly made a great movie, they have made a lot of fun ones. Sure, they often have laughable dialog, performances, production quality, effects, etc. But within these flaws is often a spark of inspiration from which hours of entertainment can be drawn. Asylum movies are best enjoyed in the same fashion as college sex, after a few beers, and with a willing friend… or three.
Sadly, this spark of creativity feels sorely lacking in Grimm’s Snow White, which is neither serious enough to be dramatic, nor eccentric enough to enjoy as a guilty pleasure. The story is half-assed, and feels like they shot the whole thing without a script, mixing in elements of Lord of the Rings in a desperate attempt to make it feel relevant. My (unsolicited) advice to The Asylum is to stick to its usual mix of scifi bullshit and miscellaneous boobies.
Boobies are better for everyone
They couldn’t even afford a single little person to play a dwarf. Instead they replace them with families of Elves, who are just like humans, but with pointy ears and magic. To put it in terms they can understand: Snow White without Dwarves is like Mega Python without Gatoroid… it’s just… not… done.
I think when the makeup guys were told to do “Old Crone”, they instead did “Jewish Albino”.
As seen in The Princess Bride
Snow White is woken up from her poison
apple ring sleep approximately 60 minutes into the movie. Leaving the audience wondering what the hell they could possibly have planned for the next half hour. From this point forward, the screenwriters attempt to give the flaccid storyline a dose or two of Cialis, by expanding on a war between the “Dark Elves” and the Queen’s “Armies” (Though you’re hard pressed to see more than a half-dozen actors on screen at any one time).
Wait… are those the Hell-Beasts from Almighty Thor?
I just don’t have the strength to go on…
There are so many things I should really be doing with my life. I could start a business, I could become a painter. Be glad that my life’s work is instead to warn others.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every shot of roaring creatures.
Deathcount! (Take a drink for each on-screen death)
Drink a Shot: for Dark Elves (What is this, Warhammer?)