Grimm’s Snow White (2012)

Grimm's Snow White (2012)
Grimm's Snow White (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Wonko The Sane (Four Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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In case you hadn’t heard, there are two versions of the “Snow White” fairy tale being released in 2012, one is a comedy with wise-cracking short people and visual splendor, the other has Thor.   Regardless of how either film is destined to be seen by critics, the material in the trailers alone indicate a great deal of money backing them.  If you’re going to remake a story that is so well known, you have to put everything you have into making it feel fresh.  Give it an Oscar-caliber cast, or millions of dollars for special effects.  After all you’ve got to have standards right?

Did I mention there is a third “Snow White” movie coming out this year?

Enter The Asylum, a film studio whose standards of quality are (presumably) lauded in the industry.  And in Grimm’s Snow White they prove that they can make a film for tens of dollars look like it was shot for a couple hundred. 

A Toast

I tend to give The Asylum a lot of credit; while they haven’t exactly made a great movie, they have made a lot of fun ones.  Sure, they often have laughable dialog, performances, production quality, effects, etc.  But within these flaws is often a spark of inspiration from which hours of entertainment can be drawn.  Asylum movies are best enjoyed in the same fashion as college sex, after a few beers, and with a willing friend… or three.

Beer Two

Sadly, this spark of creativity feels sorely lacking in Grimm’s Snow White, which is neither serious enough to be dramatic, nor eccentric enough to enjoy as a guilty pleasure.  The story is half-assed, and feels like they shot the whole thing without a script, mixing in elements of Lord of the Rings in a desperate attempt to make it feel relevant.  My (unsolicited) advice to The Asylum is to stick to its usual mix of scifi bullshit and miscellaneous boobies.

Boobies are better for everyone

Beer Three

They couldn’t even afford a single little person to play a dwarf.  Instead they replace them with families of Elves, who are just like humans, but with pointy ears and magic.  To put it in terms they can understand: Snow White without Dwarves is like Mega Python without Gatoroid… it’s just… not… done.

Beer Four

I think when the makeup guys were told to do “Old Crone”, they instead did “Jewish Albino”.

As seen in The Princess Bride

Beer Five

Snow White is woken up from her poison apple ring sleep approximately 60 minutes into the movie.  Leaving the audience wondering what the hell they could possibly have planned for the next half hour.  From this point forward, the screenwriters attempt to give the flaccid storyline a dose or two of Cialis, by expanding on a war between the “Dark Elves” and the Queen’s “Armies”  (Though you’re hard pressed to see more than a half-dozen actors on screen at any one time).

Beer Six

Wait… are those the Hell-Beasts from Almighty Thor?

I just don’t have the strength to go on…

Verdict


There are so many things I should really be doing with my life.  I could start a business, I could become a painter.  Be glad that my life’s work is instead to warn others.

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every shot of roaring creatures.

Deathcount! (Take a drink for each on-screen death)

Drink a Shot: for Dark Elves (What is this, Warhammer?)

About Wonkothesane

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

One comment

  1. The only question I have remaining…Is why did the elves run around with quivers of sticks? They are clearly not arrows, and I’m not just talking about the lack of fletching or a notch for the bow sting – they are not even dowels – just lumpy, crooked, bark-on sticks like you’d just randomly pick up in the backyard.

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