Frozen (2010)

Frozen (2010)
Frozen (2010) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jake Peroni (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

Loading...

December 20, 2010, Sugarloaf Mountain, Maine. A gust of wind derailed a chairlift, sending 3 plummeting to the ground, while the remaining skiers in the chairs behind it are left stranded. Watching… waiting for either  rescue or to endure the same fate they had just witnessed as the missing chair before them. Scary enough for a movie? But it wasn’t, this was absolutely true. (Everyone ended up okay from the ordeal).  As a Sugarloaf skier, this story scared the shit out of me.

Now I know how you feel kid.

So when I came across the poster for Frozen, a movie I had never heard of or couldn’t recognize anyone in it, I knew I just had to see it. It had nothing to do with the Sugarloaf incident, but captured the same fear that skiers have embedded in their core.

Every skier picks out spots they could jump from off the chair lift. Every skier also gets that taste of fear when the lift stops mid flight, leaving you dangling like dingleberry by a cord, 60 feet in the air because some boob couldn’t bend his knees properly at liftoff. Then, sometimes you sit longer. The strange silence penetrates your freezing bones, interrupted only by the creaking of the chair, or the muffled clapping sound of a skier working the slope below. You realize how much colder it is up in the air, high above the snow.  You attempt to judge how far it really is to the ground, and how many seconds of falltime it would take for impact. Would the fall leave you paralyzed or dead? So you begin planning your strategy for the fall. Ass first, aim for the trees so the branches will break the fall. You thank Rambo for the knowledge and picture him grunting and snarling as he hit each branch on the way down, doesn’t seem so bad… Then suddenly the lift starts back up and you scramble to finish the weed before reaching the top.

 Dude, I’m so stoned, I think I’m wearing that baby’s skis.

In Frozen, two twenty-something best buds, Joe (Shawn Ashmore from X-Men) and Dan (Kevin Zegers from Wrong Turn) are accompanied by Dan’s new girlfriend, Parker, played by Emma Bell (from nothing you’ve ever heard of) as they scam their way onto the lifts for a day of free skiing on a small New England ski mountain before it closes for the week. The day is met with Joe and Parker dueling for Dan’s attention and a whole lot of boring bunny trail “filler” scenes. But the evening is met with terror. After persuading the lift operator to allow one last ride, the three are soon stranded, completely alone, dangling above the tree line of a chair lift in the freezing cold darkness. Battling frostbite, Dan-eating coyotes… I MEAN MAN! Man-eating coyotes, and of course the drama of the third wheel between the bestie and the breastie.  (Don’t worry, you won’t know which of the two guys is Dan anyway).

A Toast

Like I said, the concept is terrifying. Whether you’re a skier, afraid of heights, or just hate being cold.  Although, I’ve never met a skier dumb enough to get on a lift after dark on a hill without nightskiing, (or an operator who would let them) I’m sure there are plenty dumb enough to try.  I can only “hope” established ski resorts have practices in place to prevent this from happening. In the movie it is “somewhat” believable that after letting the three on one last ride, the buffoon operator quickly gets his nuts in a pinch because he finds out he has to work next weekend.  So he asks someone to cover for him while he scurries off, which in turn, leads to them being abandoned on the lift. Even though the suspense was a bit lame and predictable, I did admire the eeriness of the scene when the lights slowly fade out behind the three engaged in conversation on the chair, before panic sets in.

{This thing better move soon, I don’t know how much longer I can hold this fart in}

Beer Two

Joe and Dan’s “best friend banter” was like following a conversation between two Frank Whaleys from Career Opportunities.

Target: Expect more, pay le..BOOBIES?

That paired with Joe and Parker’s bickering over Dan’s attention was all buildup for the lift stop. It is annoying because we just want to see the people falling like the poster promised. Too much meaningless character development. It was the ski trip from hell before they even got stuck. Adding in the heaps of character development was like a plot in a porno, they might as well have just started the movie with them getting on the ski lift for the last run. Cut right to the chase, salesman.

“You see, I’m raising money to help my sick friend build a robot… Ah, forget it.” {zip}

Beer Three

In true horror movie fashion, you end up frustrated at the characters. Why don’t they yell when the lift stops?  They wait until the thunder and hail to drown out their screams when they finally decide to yell for help.  And when a snow plow is under you throw more than a mitten at him to get his attention. How about an attention-grabber like a ski boot or snowboard?  But most of all, (as I hinted to in my intro) Dan gives it a bid to jump.  But instead of hanging from the lowest point possible or maybe even use the skipole to help shorten the fall, he practically stands and high dives off it. It wasn’t a surprise to see him Louganis the landing.

Beer Four

I’m bored. I get that they are trying to make the audience decide what they would do if given the situation, but I’m not one to hesitate. If my arm was crushed by a rock while climbing alone, I’d saw it off with a pocket knife before even trying to yell for help. If my plane crashed in the Andes, I’d have already eaten the copilot before even checking to see if the radio worked. If my car broke down on some backwoods dirt road, I’d kill anyone who tried to help before they get a chance to eat me.  And if I were stuck on a chairlift, I’d be building a chain out of clothes to the ground and skinny ski out of there before last call at the lodge.  In this movie, the drawn out suspense forced me to root for them to fall, fight, or just see something interesting happen besides frostbite.

Beer Five

The “real” horror of this story kicks in when Parker starts crying about how she can’t get home to feed her puppy. Now the little dependant puppy is going to die of starvation waiting for its owner to come home.  That’s just not funny. Let’s call it what it is, we are here to watch stupid people die, not hear about poor defenseless puppies suffering because of it. No need to bring dogs dying into this.  No one cares about people dying in movies, but one injured lovable animal could ruin a film. Talk about a turd in the punchbowl, way to bum out the audience.

Not that it even matters, but I find myself consumed with trying to figure out if the coyotes are really wolves.  There was definately a Twilight meeting of wolves that resulted in one of them (I named him Jacob II) showing mercy, which was very considerate. It really bothered me that they alluded to either coyotes or wolves but never explained. I can’t imagine why they would, it would serve no purpose in the movie to clarify, so it’s no fault to them. But as they keep talking in the lift, I can’t help but wonder why I don’t know the difference. Where are the damn Kratts brothers when I need them?

Martin, would a wolf or a coyote be more inclined to eat a Dan Meat Popsicle?

Verdict

You know exactly what you’re in for before starting this movie. It’s not an uplifting story (no pun intended)  But aside from the boredom and rooting for them to fall, it does touch on a frightening situation that has gone untouched in Hollywood for too long.

Bonus Drinking Games

Take a Drink: every time you are confused what the main character’s names are

Take a Drink: for Every wolf/coyote you see

Take a Drink: every time you catch yourself wanting something bad to happen

Down a Shot: whenever the suspenseful music suddenly sounds like a fork in the garbage disposal

Down a Shot: every scene you can think of a survival technique that they somehow don’t know

About Jake Peroni

Bestselling Author, Distinguished Film Critic, Cutting Edge Journalist, Respected Reporter, Successful Businessman... Big Fat Sh*tty Liar. Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!