Foodfight! (2012)

Foodfight! (2012)
Foodfight! (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Every so often, a special kind of fiasco film come along.  Many pretenders claim the title, but too, too few of them have that special combination of innocent earnestness, blind ego, and pure, uncut incompetence that really sets them apart.  Foodfight! has this in spades.

Foodfight! is basically Toy Story in a supermarket… or really desperately wants you to think that.  It stars Charlie Sheen in full-on paycheck=more cocaine mode as Dex Dogtective, the Humphrey Bogart-for-some-goddam-reason-like protector of all of the brands of the supermarket, which come alive once the store closes.  He’s about to propose to his cat-lady? Girlfriend (Hilary Duff) when she disappears, and something called Brand X shows up in the store and threatens all of the beloved brand icons.  Now, with the help of a host of beloved brand icons and his sidekick/racist caricature Daredevil Dan (Wayne Fuckin’ Brady), he must fight the Nazi-esque Brand X hordes and save the supermarket.

nutcracker3d

Because Nazi symbolism and children’s movies go great together

A Toast

The only positive thing to say about this film is that director Lawrence Kasanoff must be a hell of a Salesman to get so many corporations to give him the rights to use their mascots for this low-rent shitacular.

Beer Two

This is going to be really hard to boil down to five points.  Because, fuck, I felt almost physically ill after this was over.  Perhaps that was mostly due to the animation, which is full of the jerky movements and soulless dead eyes of N64 video game cut scenes, without the excuse from being from 19-fuckin’-96.

Beer Three

Or perhaps it because the animators go out of their way to make the most disgusting villains they can.  Besides the fact that they’re Nazis, plain and simple, they all have faces out of a Mucinex commercial.  The heroes don’t fare much better.  The character design is so grotesquely ugly, it’s hard to fathom who this film was for.  The blind?

foodfight1

Nothing has a patch on the main villain, though, a shuffling, eye-rolling visage of pure, unadulterated terror.  If you show this to your child and they aren’t crippled by nightmares for weeks afterwards, I believe that’s legal grounds for institutionalizing them as future homicidal psychopaths.

foodfight

Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck

Beer Four

What the filmmakers think passes for humor is no less horrifying or potentially debilitating to a child.  If this script wasn’t written in one sitting and never revised again, I’m Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.  I could tell you about “chip-faced” characters or it being time to “banana-split out of here”, but Dex Dogtective’s last line sums it up perfectly; “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a Spam.”

Beer Five

Besides qualifying its writers for disability benefits, the sense of humor of this film is also rife with blatant sexual innuendos that even your five year old couldn’t miss, like a weird polysexual vampire bat, plus a hearty dose of racist caricaturing.  Daredevil Dan is straight out of a minstrel show.  He even gets hit in the face by a goddamn watermelon.  I suspect Kasanoff’s only exposure to “subtlety” is that it was the word written on the baseball bat his father ruthlessly beat him with as a child, out behind the garden shed that shielded Lil’ Lawrence from humanity for his first twenty years, before he escaped to wreak his vengeance everywhere with Foodfight!

dan

Holy fucking racist sidekicks, Batman!

Beer Six

There is more talent, dedication, and artistic integrity on display in a Patrice Wilson song than the music in this film.  Give me Rebecca Black any day over this saccharine pap.

Verdict

a6packbeer

This is hands down the worst film I’ve ever seen.  I heavily recommend you hunt down a copy and watch it immediately.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time a pun makes you want to claw out your ear canals

Take a Drink: every time you spot a brand mascot

Take a Drink: Yay racist caricatures!

Take a Drink: Yay incredibly unsubtle sexual innuendos!

Do a Shot: fucking fart joke (burps are mouth farts- they count, too)

About Henry J. Fromage

Movieboozer is a humor website and drinking games are intended for entertainment purposes only, please drink responsibly.

One comment

  1. It was so awful!! That cat-girl Sunshine thing seemed straight out of Sims. May get alcohol poisoning from this flop.

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