By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
One of the biggest summer blockbusters of the early 80s was Flash Gordon, which cost 35 million dollars to make, almost twice as much as fellow blockbuster “The Empire Strikes Back.” Adjusted for inflation, this total would be 120 million, which is more than movies like the A-Team cost today and even comparable to the cost of Inception. The point here is that this was a very big movie. People expected lots of action, cutting-edge special effects, and good ‘ol sci-fi fun. What they got was a rat-fuck.
Like this, in your brain.
Really, the only good thing to say about the film is that its music was by Queen. The theme is admittedly pretty sweet. Then the rest of the movie happens…
What do we start with? The casting of a blonde poolboy who might be a 26 year old high-school senior as Flash? The fact that he’s the quarterback for the New York Jets but just wanders into the clinically insane plot? That plot events aren’t governed by the storyline but rather whatever popped into the writers’ heads from moment to moment? How about sound effects that sound like a child making airplane noises?
Slightly less realistic airplane noises
So… a huge budget should at least give you some pretty sweet special effects, right? Or at least prevent your backgrounds from looking like a drunk toddler drew them?
Throw a beer in your eyes and pray for blindness when you see the costumes. They look like Freddie Mercury’s bad acid trip, extra-gay edition.
Take note of the subtle combination of beard and angel wings
I enjoy a double entendre and would gladly toast one. This movie is nothing but entendres. Michael Scott may have written this movie.
We get it. It’s a dickship.
All of this shoddiness rolls like a dirty, hairy snowball into a climax that is just all wrong. They may have run out of budget by this point because the special effects reach a whole new level of awful. Winged Vikings sweep through the sky on barely hidden wires that make a third grade play look sophisticated to help Flash on his magical hovering Seadoo attack the dickship and somehow save the day. Bad jokes are made, fists make loud punching noises without really connecting, and it ends in the worst freeze frame you’ve ever seen.
Don’t watch it, unless you’re legally blind and really like Queen.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: for every Queen song
Take a drink: every time Michael Scott would say “That’s what she said”
Drink a shot: every time you see a codpiece