By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
Some movies like All the President’s Men and The Social Network cover seminal events that practically demand to be made into a movie. Others nobody ever asked for. Eegah! falls squarely into the second category.
The red-headed stepchildren of cinema
The only thing to really toast about this film is that the producer saw the script and then said fuck it, here’s some money. While the movie is primarily financed (and directed by, and co-stars) Arch Hall, Sr. the father of the erstwhile leading man, Arch Hall, Jr., some other suckers had to throw in some cash to make it happen. Here’s to them.
He was just as original a director as a name-picker
So, here’s the plot. A girl, accidentally hits a caveman while driving around in the middle of nowhere. After he telling her father, he inexplicably goes searching for him in a pith helmet and little white shorts. When he doesn’t come back she and her grotesque man-child boyfriend venture out to find and save him. At some point she shaves her father, and then the caveman. This forms a bond that ends with Eegah (yep, that’s his name) dead in a pool. The end.
Like Brian Jones, but with better hair.
As for Arch Hall, Jr., when I say grotesque, I mean disturbingly so. MST3K likens him to a cabbage patch doll, but it’s worse than that. It’s like a cabbage patch doll was made into a real boy by Satan himself, who added a ridiculous Elvis ‘do, cause, well, he’s the devil.
Something is terribly wrong with this kid
Apparently senior thought his son would become some sort of teenage rock idol. To facilitate this, he has him sing several feature-length songs, which obviously make no narrative sense. They are excruciating. You will want to be drunk for them.
Junior also does other trendy things, namely riding around in his dune buggy. He does this a lot. It is not interesting. He also wanders around and yells his girlfriend’s name for about ten minutes when the caveman abducts her. This is pretty much the extent of his range.
Man, there’s a lot of pictures of this kid looking like a dumbass…
This movie cost 15,000 to make, and it looks like it. Eegah’s cave looks like a boy scout’s pup tent full of papermaiche boulders and the flick is full of continuity errors, such as random clothing and set changes. They must not have been able to shell out for insurance, either, because Eegah never does anything remotely dangerous or threatening. The apex of his violence involves pushing someone in a pool.
Fire up the electric chair
It’s worth a watch like a carwreck is worth a look as you drive by.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: every time a dune buggy is mentioned or shown
Take a drink: every time Eegah hovers threateningly without doing anything
Drink a shot: every time Arch Hall, Jr. sings