By Julio De Francisco (Six Pack) –
Dylan Dog (Brandon Routh) is an arrogant private eye detective with a sarcastic sense of humor, who specializes in the undead and all things considered supernatural. Marcus (Sam Huntington) is his always super-eager to help sidekick. Also stars Taye Diggs, Peter Stormare, and Kurt Angle (yes, the wrestler). While the film is based on an Italian graphic novel set in London, for the movie New Orleans will do.
Not original is it, Louie?
I have a receipt in my hand and a statement on my credit card bill that proves I saw Dylan Dog: Dead of Night last Saturday. However, for the life of me, I cannot remember the plot or even why the movie was made. Today, a week later I’ve forgotten all of the details and yet I’m tasked to review this movie. In my panic I refer to some notes I took while watching the movie. “You do the crime you pay the time… blonde actress sucks … if superman wanted to restart his career he shouldn’t have chosen Dylan Dog… werewolf hair doesn’t lie, you know what they say about werewolf hair, it doesn’t lie…” What the fuck does this all mean?
I raise my first glass to ‘Never Forget to Forget’ Dylan Dog. When you walk out of the theater you’ll remember where you parked you car and forget how you spent your money. That’s the best case scenario. Worst case scenario you’re remembering the details of an awful movie.
I’m just going to go off of my notes here. “You do the crime you pay the time.” This movie was full of really awful quotes and sarcastic one-liners that begged for a laugh but had none. Nobody likes the comic that laughs at his own jokes. Likewise, no one likes a guy who delivers a one liner and smile into the camera with a, “Yeah, I’m funny” look before it cuts to the next scene. Uhm, news flash, you weren’t. I wish I could remember you! Other notes I had made, “It’s dying time; then we get to play squash with your balls.”
I have a really bad line coming up… do you think you can handle it?
I wrote down “blonde actress sucks.” While the details are a bit hazy, I do recall Elizabeth being the daughter of someone who was killed by a werewolf. There was nothing about her that was inspiring other than her legs, which were in great condition. I normally would have noticed and never brought this to the attention of a MovieBoozer, but for a man in the theater (mind you, there were only 4 other people in an auditorium that seated 200) screaming about how he was in love with Anita Briem. I wish that person was a stranger, but it was my Uncle who I had regretfully invited to join me while I screened Dylan Dog.
The perfect distraction.
I had made an off comment about Brandon Routh’s choice to star in Dylan Dog. Did you know Dylan Dog was suppose to be released Halloween 2010 but was pushed to April 29th 2011? The reason was likely because it was not a movie then and it really isn’t now. I had made a note about being “bored. Nothing exciting happening.” I almost felt sorry for the actors involved in a movie that was this poorly thought out.
A low that he can probably get out of.
Beer Five (chug this one)
Vargas (Taye Diggs) line, “Human race is obsolete y’all”
Fact. Dylan Dog is a human. Odd; he gets tossed around like a rag doll and never gets a single cut to his chiseled face. Just soot.
Honestly, after giving it more thought I do remember Marcus being an attempt at comedic relief. Maybe if I were in the 5th grade, I’d like his character. The concept of undead versus breathers and the background for the movie was very intriguing; I just don’t think it was set up well. The CGI (when it was around) was impressive as were the costumes and make-up for many of the monsters and characters. But still…
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: every time the camera pans close to Brandon Routh’s face.
Take a drink: every time Dylan Dog says anything sarcastic.
Take a drink: every time Marcus screams.
Chug a beer: when Vargas initially goes Ghetto, “Humans are obsolete y’all.”
Take a drink: for every ghetto phrase subsequently said.
Take a drink: whenever Kurt Angle appears.