Welcome to Time Zone High School. A place where “cool” guys are preppy clones, with “lego men” solid gelled hair, and the “uncool” are all rebellious teenagers with intensely socially conscious agendas… and have shaggy hair. (Wait, so is UNH the safe haven for “uncool” 90’s kids?)
Goodie Two Shoes Nicole Maris (Melissa Joan Hart) wants to make her jock bonehead crush jealous, so she enlists her “bad boy” neighbor and former friend prior to the social deconstruction of High School class systems, Chase Hammond (Adrian Grenier) to, blah, blah, blah, blah, pffft…
Same shit, different shovel.
“Kiss my ass, you once fat bitch. I remember when you were NOTHING, just a sweaty little egghead”
Yes, romance is alive and well at Time Zone High, especially the saga between Miss Time Zone, Dee Vine, and her boyfriend, “Date Rapin’ Eddie”. Eddie might seem like a cool guy who has it all figured out, but the moment he is accused of having a small pecker, BOILING POINT.
As always with these high school movies, my favorite aspect is the “bad guy”, the antagonist who is cool, mean, and always standing between the lovable hero and the beautiful woman of his dreams.
Although this movie lacks that, the “jock” is a big awkward bonehead. So to fill the space they added a bitchy girl, who is unlikable in every way (except hate sex), and this true villain, “Date Rapin’ Eddie,” whose insanely uncalled for explosion made the entire movie watchable.
I’ve never been a big Melissa Joan Hart guy, at least since Clarissa Explains It All went off the air. But it’s impossible not to “consider” her in this fast talking, open minded role… especially during the scene of the friendly “Never Have I Ever” drinking game…
“Never have I ever, kissed Chase Hammond in 6th grade.”
Toss one back.
“Never have I ever made out with anything requiring batteries.”
Toss one bac…wait, WHAT? really Nicole? Wow. OK, MJH is suddenly looking a little more sexy.
Were writers Todd Strasser (Novel) and Rob Thomas (Screenplay) homeschooled? Because they had NO IDEA of what high school dialogue should be. And I hate to chop down acting, but I’ve seen better delivery in a third grade play of Charlotte’s Web.
“The Swimmin’ Hole”
Cool dudes all sitting stoically on rocks wearing identical bathing suits and sun glasses that Bono wouldn’t even wear. Chatting it up with banter of how the girls are down there ogling them from below. Meanwhile, the girls all float in tubes gossiping about their boyfriends’ penises.
Huh? Seriously, did these people even go to high school? Wouldn’t someone eventually stand up on set and say this is ridiculously unrealistic?
Ham-bone and the crew…pre-date rape incident.
“Drink your Mochachinnos and sing along to Celine Dion, Baaaah you sheep!”
The stereotypes were as one dimensional as you get. Dumb jock, rebellious outsider, shallow girl, bubbly princess, bitchy friend, even a quintessential gay guy that hangs with the cool girl clique. I’m just flabbergasted they couldn’t get Freddie Prince Jr. to headline this one.
The Centennial statue… whatever the eff that is, at the big event that has an invite list of the ENTIRE town, yet is planned by a group of four girls and a budget of 3K. That’s not what bothers me…what “DROVE ME CRAZY” (get it?) was the climax of unveiling the statue and there at the top was Ham-bone, glancing over the crowd like he is a victorious king or something. Even Designated Dave gets overwhelmed with emotion and rips the mic to announce Chase’s arrival as Chase slides down the pole, just as the director imagined the female audience would slide right out of their seats. I’ve never seen such a failed attempt at a “goosebump” moment. The only thing dripping from this botched romantic climax was the CHEESINESS.
Spoiler… come on, does that even matter? Obviously you know the outcome of this one, if not you should probably go staple your tongue to a sleeping dolphin. So anyway, they are coming home early in the morning after the dance, and find that their parents are hooking up… not only that, but they are moving in with each other. Wait, that was fast, yesterday he was just borrowing milk, and today he is buying the cow. Oh well, how sweet, so the parents end up together and their kids run off to the treehouse to have sex. How incest-ually beautiful.
This is a bad accident that you just can’t seem to turn away from. An absolutely cheesy 90’s high school romance movie that doesn’t have a semblance of realism. MJH comes off looking hot, despite her lazy eye that my wife just won’t stop talking about.
Take a Drink: for every dramatic “I’m falling in love” blank stare
Take a Drink: for any weed reference
Take a Drink: anytime the bitch friend talks in headlines
Down a Shot: anytime someone says the name “Designated Dave”