By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
I caught the trailer for this online a little while back, and marked it down to give a watch when I got the chance. However, I did wonder a bit how a good-looking thriller with a cast stacked with Eric Bana, Charlie Hunnam, Olivia Wilde, Sissy Spacek, Kris Kristofferson, and Kate Mara was doing without a wide release. Well…
Deadfall throws you right into things, when a brother/sister heist team (Bana/Wilde) get in a car-wreck after ripping off an Indian casino, then split up to escape the authorities or something. Bana sets off cross-country, killing everything he sees, right in the face, and Wilde starts hitchhikin’, sexing everything she sees, right in the face. Luckily for Charlie Hunnam, that means him. This ex-Olympic silver medalist boxer with daddy issues turned ex-con violates his parole within hours of being released from prison, and also finds himself on the run. It’s that kind of movie.
All of these over-exaggerated plotlines converge in Hunnam’s mom & pop’s (Spacek & Kristofferson) place for one of the more wildly awkward Thanksgivings ever. Oh, and a young policewoman’s (Mara) efforts to track down the one-man killing spree that is Bana are hampered a tad by the fact that everyone hates her stupid face.
Wha… what did I do?
Have you ever noticed Olivia Wilde’s eyes? Goddam, that girl has some insanely pretty eyes. Also, director Stefan Ruzowitzky clearly has a future directing snazzy things like music videos or video game trailers, provided they aren’t encumbered by pesky concerns like plot, or basic sense.
I’m not sure if the writing or the delivery is to blame, but with lines like “What if something happened and you had to change your tampon? Then I’d change it… Dad!” or the hilariously unmenacing “Happy Thanksgiving- glad you could make it!”, I’m pretty sure it’s the writing. Yep, definitely sure.
Speaking of which, I really, really couldn’t figure out why everyone hated Mara so, so much.
Daddy, would you like some coffe… SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!
All of the plotting seemed Screenwriting 101, with everyone given way too many backstory elements, and nothing developed properly at all. This is most ridiculously evident in the whirlwind “romance” of Wilde and Hunnam, culminating in a tender lovemaking scene straight out of some undersexed 33 year old’s Lisa Frank Dream Diary. If you don’t laugh at this, I can definitively say that your sense of humor is irredeemable.
At one point Bana fights a magical Indian, whose future sight unfortunately fails to be useful to the poor bastard in any way. I think this was supposed to be profound or something.
Just like this shirt is sure to help you be taken seriously
By the end, I was rooting for a tragic gas main explosion to wipe out all of these entirely wrong-headed characters… except for Mara, although perhaps that would have been a mercy. Instead of that fitting end, I got another big fat cliché, complete with a nice, ripe callback line delivered in voiceover that must have made our screenwriter feel like William Fucking Faulkner for about 10 seconds, until the feral cats scratching at his mother’s basement windows broke his reverie.
A movie that starts with a car-wreck, then car-wrecks its car-wreck self all the way to its car-wreck finish. Drink heartily, my friends.
Take a Drink: anytime someone is mean to Kate Mara for no reason
Take a Drink: anytime someone is killed
Take a Drink: whenever someone lies
Take a Drink: anytime an accent makes you raise an eyebrow
Do a Shot: anytime the line of dialogue it’s wrapped around raises it further