Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)

By: Jenna Zine (Four Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Lindsay Lohan (Mary “Lola” Cep) inhabits the title role of the self-proclaimed drama queen in this cute teen flick. Mary, who prefers to go by the more glamorous “Lola,” was born and raised in New York City and has every intention of conquering Broadway – until her mother decides to move to a more affordable suburb in New Jersey. Lola is crushed – until she realizes she can be just as dramatic in her new setting with the aid of outcast Ella Gerard (Allison Pill). Lola’s vivacious attitude raises the ire of the most popular girl in school, Carla Santini (Megan Fox) as they compete for the lead in the school play.

A Toast

The premise of this Disney film is adorable, but quickly loses focus. The opening scene is a brilliantly realized fantasy, with Lola dressed as Audrey Hepburn. She and her mother, Karen Cep (the wonderful, but underused Glenne Headly), breezily air kiss before Karen agrees to leave Lola behind in the city. Lola’s shaken from her reverie by her mother and we see her reality is quite different – she’s no Audrey Hepburn and she will not be staying in NYC to frolic solo.

One would think, given the title and the dream sequence that kicks off the film, that the movie would switch between Lola’s real life and her imagined/dramatized version of events. You’d be wrong. The only “drama” involves the school play – the rest of the movie focuses on Lola and her nerdy best friend Ella trying to see their favorite band and meet the lead singer before rival Carla.

Beer Two

It was fun to revisit Lindsay Lohan at the top of her game. She was beautiful and bursting with screen presence. She wasn’t ever the best actress, but it was easy to see why she was once the jewel in the Disney crown. I wanted to grab that girl by the shoulders and say, “Crack is whack!” But fate has rolled on and now we’ll only have celluloid memories of Lindsay as a healthy-looking individual. Megan Fox does her best to play the bitch with this safe-for-children script, but isn’t exactly a standout here. The best scene is a dance-off – yes, a dance-off – at the local arcade between these two smokin’ hot enemies. I’d throw down some quarters to see these girls fight on their feet any day!

Before Fox got fired from Transformers and Lohan received house arrest, there was this. And it’s magnificent!

Beer Three

I kept waiting for confessions from this teen drama queen – but all I learned about was her favorite band, Sidarthur. (Not Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha. Can we give the writers credit for a tongue and cheek reference? I kinda doubt it.) Forget the school play, forget the move to the suburbs, and forget the premise of the plot. The rest of the movie focuses on a race aroundNew York; in a desperate bid to see Sidarthur’s last concert. Boring!

Beer Four

The script turns out to be eerily prophetic, regarding Lindsay’s real life of (alleged) crime. Where’s a palm reader when you need one? Some lines from the film include:

“Goodbye toNew York Cityand goodbye to the chance of becoming a famous actress.”

“A legend is about to be born – that legend would be me. “

“A life of crime has never appealed to me, but sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”

“It’s not like me to be unprofessional…”

“Please let me enjoy one last precious night of freedom before I have to spend the rest of my youth behind bars.”

Yes, Lohan – I hope you think about Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen next time you consider “borrowing” something from a high-endBeverly Hills boutique. You could really learn something here!

You want more script irony? She finally comes face to face with the lead singer of Sidarthur (Stu Wolfe, played by Adam Garcia) – and is disappointed to learn he’s nothing more than a drunk. Seriously, did one of the writers have a crystal ball?

Nothing like meeting your idol in jail, is there Lindsay?

Verdict

It’s cute enough. Not the worst – but certainly not the best – Disney movie out there. Serviceable for the kids, completely boring for adults – even with a Megan Fox dance-off.

 

Bonus Drinking Game

It seems wrong to add a drinking game to a Disney film, but the presence of Lohan makes it fair game.

Take a drink: whenever Lola argues with her mom.

Take a drink: whenever Lola wears a ridiculous outfit.

Take a shot: whenever Lola lies.

Chug: throughout the fabulous Carla/Lola dance-off!

About Jenna Zine

Jenna Zine is a writer, unashamed Bachelor franchise live-tweeter (with Felix Felicis at @2Girls1Recap), lapsed drummer, and occasional standup comic. She's probably somewhere right now, complaining about her bangs. Find more at www.jennazine.com

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