Colombiana (2011)

Colombiana (2011)
Colombiana (2011) DVD / Blu-Ray

By: Julio De Francisco (Five Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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It seems to be a trending dream for all little girls in movies who witness their parents being murdered to grow up and become assassins.  Cataleya in Colombiana echoed O-Ren Ishii from Kill Blll Vol. 1, just as she witness the murder of her father being killed by thugs, so did Cataleya, who gets away from her assailants and reaches the US embassy where she is immeadiately taken in by the the CIA.  What she does become, as was O-Ren Ishii, is a stoned cold killer.  Her face is often emotionless, and her appetitte for sex is at times insatiable.  She likes to toy with her victims, often letting sharks or dogs dispose of her enemies.  The sometimes dark and sadistic way that Cataleya copes with getting revenge for her family is fun to watch but for the most part unbelievable.

A Toast

I raise my first glass to Zoe Saldana’s skin-tight assassin’s costume.  With all the things that I thought were going wrong with Colombiana, I could at least enjoy watching Zoe snaking through air vents, hanging from roof tops, and swimming with sharks in her dark skin-tight assassin’s suit.  Zoe Saldana has the potential to be a sex symbol, however she refrains from revealing more than her back in other sexy scenes with Danny Delaney (Michael Vartan).

 Go on, go down, it’s the women’s locker room.

Beer Two

A major pet peeve of mine is foreigners speaking English instead of using their native tongue.  The opening scene is clearly two latinos in Colombia, why would they bother talking to one another in a Hollywood accent?  Why?  The producers know that by and large the majority of Americans hate reading subtitles.  In fact, only 9 movies with subtitles ever grossed more than 20 million dollars (source).  This all reminds me of a time when I was working as an usher at the local movie theater.  Hero with Jet li came out, and this couple who bought a large popcorn and a large coke for their large selves came out complaining, “I don’t want to have to read my movie!”  So they went to see Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2.  Bwhahaha.  I saw them coming out and I asked them how the movie was, they said, “Great!”  I closed my eyes as I penguined away and weeped for ‘Merica.

 Beer Three

The puke scene.  A 9 year old pukes up about two bowls of oatmeal on an American consolate’s desk while trying to extract a chip that is suppose to identify her…  yeah.  You know what happens when you see someone puke in real life, I get the same urge to vomit.  Even the sound gets my stomach boiling.

Beer Four

It’s not often a movie shows off Parkour, the act of moving through any environment by vaulting, rolling, running, climbing and jumping (source).  What surprised me was that little Cataleya got away from three Colombians Parkouring after her.  In an attempt to capture her alive, because she had a chip that could destroy them all, three men go after her, tumbling all over the place, jumping through windows, and just hauling ass.  Really, just a major epic fail.

In case you haven’t seen Parkour done in a while.

Beer Five

For the scene where her Uncle casually kills a bystander with a gun to prove a point about how becoming an assassin is not the way to go.  I rolled my eyes that after this heinous crime to prove a point, they just walked away from the whole scene without incident.  What I couldn’t understand was whether or not he did those things because he was under the protection of the CIA.  However, this scene is so ridiculous I’d suggest chugging this beer.

Verdict

The fight scenes are a bunch of camera shaking and close ups cutting away, masking the cheesy fighting.  I kind of felt like Zoe Saldana was slumming it in this one.  Could she be pulling a Queen Latifah ala Taxi after her performance in Chicago?  While Zoe didn’t win an Oscar, she did star in the biggest film of 2009.  In fact, Zoe seemed to be the only actress in the movie that tried to work with what she had.  The rest of the actors were just there to play a stereotype.

 

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a drink: anytime time someone dies.

Take a drink: anytime you see an Orchid Symbol.

Take a shot: whenever Spanish is spoken.

 

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