By: Henry J. Fromage (Five Beers) –
Hey, what’s this? An action film starring Bruce (MF’in) Willis, and the next Superman… Henry Cavill? And directed by the guy who gave us the crazily, entertainingly meta JCVD? How have I never heard of this before, especially since it just got snuck on the wide release schedule? And didn’t it get released in Korea like six months ago?
That’s a good sign, right?
Superman plays a businessy businessperson who visits his family in Spain, where dear old dad works at the embassy as a “cultural attaché.” Surprisingly enough, it turns out that Bruce Willis doesn’t end up playing a guy who throws art parties, which we find out when the rest of the family is kidnapped as part of a CIA conspiracy. Now it’s up to Willis and Cavill to get their family back and defeat scary ‘ol Sigourney Weaver.
Well, it’s a chance to practice your Spanish a bit. Also obligatory female Lucia (Veronica Echegui) sure is pretty in a Penelope Cruz-lite sort of way. Okay, the final chase scene and the series of car crashes that top it off are shot with some cool camera angles.
Well, actually it’s up to Cavill to save the day. This is because Willis apparently did this as an excuse for a free Spain vacation. He can’t have more than 10 minutes of screen time.
That’s because he dies. Yes, they kill John McClane in the first twenty minutes.
Just straight up Executive Decision him
I have good news for those wondering how Cavill will step into the big shoes of Superman next year. He nails the role of a big, strong alien being that is both confused by and has trouble emulating normal human emotion. Since he’s supposed to play a human in this one, though, it’s kinda a handicap.
The supporting cast is not much better. Willis is Willis, but Weaver’s slumming for a paycheck here, and all Echegui does besides look pretty is scream and get in the way whenever there’s a crisis… which is pretty much the entire movie. Also, obligatory henchman Joseph Mawle looks and acts like Nicolas Cage and Tim Roth’s bastard love child.
Actually, this should have probably been part of the Toast
There are so, so many chases in this movie and most are chock full of random absurdity. A throwaway line that Cavill was a American School track star doesn’t excuse how he’s able to take the insane pounding he does, and no amount of 100 m skill will keep an electrical cable with a human body’s worth of deadweight in free fall on the other end from just ripping your hands right in half when you grab it. Just take my poor Suspension of Disbelief out back and curb stomp it, why dontcha.
It’s not that this film is a colossal failure or anything. It’s just you simply stop caring about it a half an hour in. Background noise at best, but there are plenty of better options for that even.
Take a Drink: every time Cavill’s lack of Spanish screws him
Take a Drink: every time Cavill struggles with a human emotion
Take a Drink: every time Lucia freaks out
Take a Drink: whenever someone is running… careful