Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)

Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)
Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Beers) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Editor’s Note- What follows is an unedited document found at Oberst Von’s computer three days ago.  If you have any idea as to his whereabouts, contact the authorities immediately.

Is something wrong with me?  I’ve got no clue what I’m watching…  Is Netflix messed up, or did this just start in the middle of a scene?  At some point somebody’s going to have to… oh wait, what?  Toxie’s in a bizzaro world now, ok I’m following it.  So basically there is the evil Toxie and the good Toxie, and they’ve switched places.  And both somehow have joined up with Kabukiman… and the Sklar brothers are in this for some reason.

Director- “Everybody else cancelled and we need a Cameo…”

Producer- “fuck it”

Beer One

Nothing in this feature approaches even the boundaries of coherent filmmaking, so there is therefore no point attempting to find good in it.  Suffice to say, it’s unwatchable, and adds nothing of value to human culture.

Beer Two

Like spaghetti to the wall, director Lloyd Kaufman throws plot-points and dialog.

 Last I checked though, uncooked noodles don’t stick.

Beer Three

It is clear that Director Lloyd Kaufman came to the first day of shooting without a script, and just told the actors to mouth words, fully intending to “fix it in post”.  But when time came to edit the film, he locked himself in a janitor’s closet for 10 hours straight with some scissors, a flashlight, and three bottles of Elmer’s glue (Editing Tape long since having been used to repair the window of the trailer with a garbage bag).

Beer Four

Even now, a mere ten minutes after finishing the movie, I can hardly recall any particulars.  Did I die of boredom halfway through?  Are these keystrokes the final electric impulses of my brain, desperate to resolve its final business before giving way to permanent atrophy? Did I see them re-use that same goddamn car-crash shot again?

Beer Five

This is truly the end of all existence, an infinite blackness that I welcome, so long as Citizen Toxie isn’t allowed into the abyss.

Beer Six

Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer…………………..

Verdict

Goddamn it… just goddamn…

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for the bodycount

Take a Drink: for Kabukiman

Do a Shot: when you run out of beer… (you will)

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they’re confused about something) at least a few times a week. I’ve gotten way off track here… The point is, Oberst is one of the website’s founders, so… yeah

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