MovieBoozer Movies Measured by the Pint!
By: Henry J. Fromage (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
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When I saw the title Chop Kick Panda while browsing the local video store, I knew it had to be watched. The direct to video market will copy anything, but a title like that suggests a don’t-give-a-shit level of commercial crassness bordering on genius.
Plot: take Kung Fu Panda, add a son and his friends to impress, subtract any hint of epic scale or empathy, and dial the animation down to “Nickolodeon.”
A Toast
The movie’s only 40 minutes, which seems about right unless your cheap ass bought it instead of Kung Fu Panda, figuring it’d keep the kids quiet for two hours. You got what you deserve- read them a book next time.
This’ll keep ‘em occupied
I also raise my glass to one of the kid’s friends- Kojack. I think it’s supposed to be a monkey, but I really don’t know what the fuck it is… and I like it.
It farts a lot, too
I also have to begrudgingly admit that some of the lines and banter are kinda funny…
Beer Two
…until the sheer level of smart aleck remarks and punning around gets annoying. This movie wants to do the Jack Black thing, except they picked the wrong movie to emulate.
Beer Three
There’s some pretty random stuff in here, but the most strange is the fact that all of the cats are British, complete with cockney jokes about pubs and such.
Beer Four
Drink something strong when the kid is told no, and the replies with “I wish Mom was still here, she would have said yes.” Dad just replies with a calm (paraphrased) “I wish she was too, I’ll see what I can do.” This plus a romance carried out via blushing the Morse Code shows that the screenwriters knew of the elements one uses to tug the heartstrings, they just had no idea how to use them.
If. we. make. his. mother. figure. die. the. humans. will. feel. sad. for. him. Beep. Boop.
Beer Five
They’re similarly inept at distilling quasi-Eastern philosophy into some sort of lesson for the audience. I swear that I’ve pulled every single one of the cat sensei’s lines out of fortune cookies from the Panda Express at the mall before.
Beer Six
The main antagonist wants to steal a magic talisman from the dojo Chop Kick works at in order to, gasp!, rule the town! There are three rooms shown in the film and eight characters, three of which are completely superfluous. There was no ambition whatsoever and unless it was written by a five year old or a convict no excuse for the limited worldview except pure laziness.
If only the animation had been even shittier- maybe Angry Dad levels. Then this really would have been a classic.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time the kid blushes
Take a Drink: for every cliché Eastern philosophy line
Drink a Shot: for every ham-fisted mention of the kid’s mother
