Beverly Hills Cop 3 (1994)

Beverly Hills Cop 3 (1994)
Beverly Hills Cop 3 (1994) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) –
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
1 Beer! A Toast! Great Movie!2 Beers! Good Movie!3 Beers! Okay Movie!4 Beers! Mediocre Movie!5 Beers! Awful Movie!6-Pack! Bad movie! Do not be Sober!

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Beverly Hills Cop 3 is blah blah blah, I can’t take it any longer.  Take the plot from the first two films, throw in a shoddily done Disneyland rip-off, and remove anything from the franchise that was funny, or even mildly interesting.

A Toast A shot of sterno

Watching Beverly Hills Cop 3 is like crossing the event-horizon into hell.  There is no going back… even if you managed to find a way out, the only thing that’d be left of you would be gnarled and twisted out of proportion.  After watching, you’ll be able to take momentary comfort in the fact that death is an inevitability.

Have another look at this image, and picture yourself a Venezuelan 

Beer Two

Actor John Ashton’s not in this movie, which means that a vital part of the “Detective Rosewood and Taggart” formula is missing.  Gone also are any scenes which allow Eddie Murphy and company to interact with each other on a personal level; the character development has instead taken a back road to poorly shot action sequences.  The writers even managed to throw out any character development Judge Reinhold’s “Rosewood” character experienced in the last film.  Based on his actions from BHCII he should be a goddamned Tackleberry.

In the world of Beverly Hills Cop 3, Police Academy is Citizen Kane

Beer Three

The theme park in which the film’s criminal element dwells is a low-rent Disney clone.  It seems like it was meant to serve as an ironic backdrop to the rated-R violence contained within, but that would be giving the filmmakers too much credit.  More likely, the producers thought that this time around they’d make a more kid-friendly movie, and someone just forgot to tell director John Landis about it.

Oh shit, George Lucas… this actually explains a lot…

Beer Four

The sequence in which the carnival ride breaks down and Axel has to save the day helps set the tone for the kind of movie you’re watching.  As in, it’s poorly shot, obviously faked, and completely out of rhythm with the previous two films.  And don’t get me started with the ending, where he gets a cartoon character named after him…  And yes, Google tells me that Furry fan fiction exists of “Axel Fox”…  What the flying fucknut?

Beer Five

I got nothing, this is awful.

Beer Six

The film’s legacy is as follows:

  • Director John Landis would go on to make The Stupids with Tom Arnold, and then fall into obscurity
  • Eddie Murphy would invent “fat-suit comedy”, and set African-American film culture back 30 years
  • Judge Reinhold would star in a series of made for cable family films, and numerous appearances in straight-to-dvd releases.
  • Living up to his side of the bargain, Satan advised producer Jerry Bruckheimer to not finance this film.  Jerry listened to this advice and instead helped to launch the career of Michael Bay, thus fulfilling yet another prophesy of the Book of Revelations.

Verdict

Beverly Hills Cop 3 is AIDS.

 

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: anytime somebody mentions Uncle Dave

Take a Drink: any time Axel’s plans fail

Pour one out: anytime Judge Reinhold is on screen; if you listen closely you can almost hear his Hollywood career die.

Pour another out: for actor John Ashton, who is unceremoniously written out of the script and replaced by Hector Elizondo.  (Then again, perhaps Ashton knew skipping out on this one would be better on his career… you know what, fuck it, Drink a Toast to John Ashton

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

One comment

  1. I never even bothered with this one. Looks like that was the right call.

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