By: Mr. Furious (Five Beers) –
Back to the Future Part III takes place after Doc’s time machine (the DeLorean) is struck by lightning – somehow randomly sending him back into the past by a few hundred years. Now, Marty must rescue his beloved professor “Doc” Emmett Brown and bring him… back to the present!
I’m about to bash this movie quite extensively for being so alien to the rest of this brilliant series. However, it’s still a Back to the Future movie, and deserves a little respect – even if that respect was inherited. The acting and directing wasn’t really the issue here. The time period they had to work with guaranteed this movie to be mediocre at best. I rolled my eyes the moment Marty first walks into town and the music gets all epic. It was just some shitty town in the desert!
I remember watching Part II in the theater with my family and thinking it was the best movie I had ever seen. Hydrating pizza, multi-channel television, holographic sharks – it was futuristic possibility overload. Part III had none of that. None of that visionary charm Zemeckis had going for him that made the second such a success. Visionary, yes. Accurate, no. In Part II, I don’t recall seeing anyone walking around with a cell phone in the future. Unless, of course, the cell phones were in their heads. Maybe that’s what those punk kids were alluding to when they disrespected Marty’s hand-eye coordination in the cafe. I’m sorry, this isn’t a review for Part II – but it’s just so much more fun to talk about.
The third beer goes to helping you cope with the lame time period this movie takes place in. Why did Back to the Future Part III suck so much compared to the first two movies? Maybe Zemeckis went over his budget with the second movie (I heard hover boards were really expensive in the 80’s) and his budget was so thin by the third that they had to shoot a western – guaranteed to keep special effects down to a minimum. This movie’s time period alone was a huge strike against it in my mind, and I really didn’t give a shit about Doc’s love interest, especially at his age. At least in the first movie, Marty’s mom was hot and more around my generation.
Beer # 4 goes to the reason all us men drink beer: Women. Too much time is wasted on the love affair with Doc and his country girl. Yeah, we get it – another Hollywood movie trying to convince us that a woman will always be a man’s most important obsession and reason for living (also, wasn’t she supposed to die?) Doc abandoning his dreams of time travel to settle down and have kids in the Wild West is kind of a metaphor for what happened to the writer of the series. I mean, where the HELL is Back to the Future IV at to make up for this garbage? And don’t tell me it’s too late because Michael J. Fox got Parkinson’s disease. They could figure out a way to write that shit into the script. Only a minor inconvenience. They could say he got temporal cortex disease from too much time traveling or whatever.
Our fifth pint goes to the stupidity of Marty McFly. Constantly jeopardizing their mission, this jackass can’t seem to keep his ego in check and flips out whenever someone calls him a coward. Dude, I realize Biff’s family history seems to be haunting you throughout time, but you seriously need to learn how to brush that shit off. This final beverage should help you forgive Marty’s short man complex.
Marty finally learns how to control his impulsive ego in the end, avoiding the car accident that ruined his life in the future and made him a miserable old man who couldn’t keep a job. Good stuff.
With Doc and his new bride both being science nuts, Mrs. Brown was apparently cool enough to allow Doc to continue working on his crazy inventions. At the end when Doc comes flying up in a train turned time machine, I realized that Doc had found himself a hippy chick. A hippy chick, two kids, and a minivan. And who knows what would have happened if Doc Brown hadn’t had a family to settle himself down. The nut might have built a Hadron Collider or something.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a shot: every time Doc says, “GREAT SCOTT!”
Take a drink: every time Marty says, “Hey Doc!”